a little more fluid

thinking about it more

2005-07-20T07:28:00.000-07:00

Travel. Those of you who know me - know that I'm not a big fan. In fact I pretty much hate it. And avoid it as much as possible.

I'm curious where this aversion came from. And if I need to keep it anymore.

I can remember back to being a kid when family trips were fun. Camping at Sol Duc hotsprings. Often. Which is where, at age 9, I met Anne who has been my pen pal ever since. Who I went and visited when I was 20, who came and visited me when I was 21. Who, for the past 15 years - has been given every secret detail of my life in letter form. So, I remember the camping trip when her family (from Chicago) was at the next spot over.

I remember going to Hawaii with my family when I was 13. I had a lovely time. But the Trip Hate had started to set in by that point - because I remember not wanting to go.

Wait. Back up. I can think of an even earlier bad travel memory. I was nine, perhaps it was the same summer I met Anne. But just later in the summer. Or maybe I was 10. Anyway - my mom, her mom, my sister, and my cousin and I went on a long, slow, winding road trip to Nebraska and back. Parts were fun. We saw some neat things. We met some of grandma's family. But the long, hot car were bad. And I knew I'd hate it before I even went. I remember a conversation with my mom that went something like this:
Little Toni: I can't go.
Mom: Well, we're all going to be leaving.
LT: Well, I can't go with you. I refuse to go with you. I know I'll hate it.
M: You're welcome to find some friends to stay with while we're gone, if you really don't want to go.
LT thinks about it - and knows she doesn't want to be left out.
LT: What I really need is a trailer that just I can ride in that we can pull behind the van. I don't want to ride with y'all.
M: Well, um, sure - why don't you get yourself one of those.
So... I went on the trip. And even if I might have liked it, I had to hate parts of it just to be right.

So, anyway, then there was Hawaii when I was 13. I remember dreading it. I'm not even sure why. And Sarah said she'd gladly go in my place. Which probably would have been fine with me. Of course I have to tell you that I had a great time and wasn't even very bratty at all on that trip - but it was HAWAII so of course I had a great time.

The best I can figure is that I just don't like being away from home. I like my own, familiar home. I like my own, familiar routines. I like my own, familiar food. I like regular contact with my friends. I like things to stay the same. I'm not adventurous or daring - at least not in these ways.

As I got older, I know I got harder to travel with. Because mix teenager with Trip Hate and you get a huge pain in the butt.

When I was 18, in August, just before I was about to leave all my friends for good and go off to college - I got plucked away by my horrible, mean, heartless family for a week or so at the Shakespeare Festival in Ashland, Oregon. I had this boyfriend at the time, who I hadn't seen much all summer (thanks to lots of stupid trips, some mine & some his) and who I was about to leave for good. (Little did I know that even if I went off to college and then broke up with him about a month later - he wouldn't be out of my life for good - but rather, he would start dating my roommate who he met when he was down visiting me when he was my boyfriend - and continue to come down often to visit her and eventually get her to move to his city.) I wanted to be with him and not on that trip. And I also had all these great friends. Who I couldn't even stand to think about leaving - who I didn't want to be seperated from at all that summer, since I was about to leave them for good. (Little did I know that even all that time apart at our seperate colleges could never darken these friendships.) I was super pissed at my family for making me be there. And I was mean. I remember feeling really bad about being mean to my sister - because mean to my sister is really something I hate being. But aparently I hate it just slightly less than I hate traveling. Sis and I made up nicely in the car on the way home, but I swore I'd never go on another family vacation again.

And I haven't.

And I still think that's a good idea.

But I'm just curious about finding a way that I could like traveling.

I know a few people who I like being on trips with. (Notice, I didn't say that I like going on trips with them - but once I'm there I generally like being on trips with them.)

My friend Emma and I are planning a trip to Italy. I think we're thinking Summer of 2007. Which is hopefully enough time for me to give this some more thought - and figure out how I can get myself to love that trip.

Because more than anything I want to learn Italian.

my new schedule

2005-07-19T07:43:00.000-07:00

it's amazing the number of people who have called or emailed me - encouraging me to start blogging again. and i agree - blogging is a great way to stay in touch with people. i enjoy reading friends' blogs. i enjoy having friends read mine and comment on it. it's an easy way to keep up on other people's lives.

i'm in my sixth week of "not working" now. and while sometimes i'm bored and depressed and lonely and feel quite purposeless - i really can't imagine going back to work. i don't know if i will. i'm still busy enough with sensaria - but it's stuff that i can do on my own schedule, in my pajamas, on a blanket in the front yard, whatever. i love that.

i don't have to wake up at any certain time.

but i still do. because. well, those of you who know me, you know me. i like to wake up early.

but i do have something new and exciting. well, not really new. but something old that reemerged. i started using a different alarm clock. and it REALLY makes ALL the difference. my old alarm clock was so harsh and jarring. quite day ruining, really. that sound made me want to scream. i never wanted to snooze, because then i'd have to hear that awful noise again. but i recently started using this old travel alarm clock which someone gave me to take to ecuador with me - because it doesn't give off any light and i really like sleeping in complete darkness. besides the fact that it doesn't give off any light - this alarm is quite plesant. i don't mind it at all. in fact, i don't mind at all hitting the snooze button twenty or thirty times. seriously.

i remember in ecuador, i pretty much always woke up before my alarm clock. i had a horrible time sleeping there, and always wanted to get up as soon as possible. i always had such a hard time falling asleep. i remember laying in that really hard and uncomfortable bed, in that really cold room, being really sad and homesick and awake for much of the night. every night. and then at some point i'd fall asleep. and have awful dreams. every night. not just regular bad dreams. but awful dreams that drained every bit of energy and optimism and hope right out of me. i would wake up emotionally exhausted and really, really sad. the dreams were always incredibly sad. so i remember waking up and looking at that little alarm clock thinking to myself, "well, it's only 4:30 am, i should probably stay in bed a bit longer - but i just can't stand any more of that horrible sleep."

i think i read a lot.

and then i remember being in class and being so, so tired because i hardly slept. i remember the effort that it took just to hold up my head being too much. let alone think. let alone "walk" to and from school - 40 nearly sprinting minutes each way - four times every day. somehow i did it. no wonder i had so little energy left to speak spanish with my host family. that's the one thing about that trip that i kind of regret. i try not to regret it because i know i was doing the best i could. but it's sad that i didn't talk more. it's sad because not talking is what kept me feeling so isolated and homesick. and it's also sad because my host family was amazing. really great people. and i would have loved to get to know them better. but i just couldn't.

i think they saw that. and being the great people they were, they loved me a lot and accepted me exactly as i was. i know they wished that i talked more, but they didn't give me a hard time about it. and they always included me in everything, and had a few huge family dinners in my honor - and they talked to me plenty knowing that i understood everything even if i was too scared to talk.

so that's what i thought of as my alarm clock went off this morning. and i said to myself, "toni, you might as well blog about that. just to get back in the habit. if nothing else."

100 things

2005-07-17T13:00:00.001-07:00

things that have made me happy this week:
1. sitting outside with my tea & journal in my pajamas this morning, enjoying the sun & air
2. talking to my dear friend lis
3. enough sleep
4. lots of generous rides from friends
5. the kids across the street coming over to play in my yard & show me their tricks
6. being able to walk
7. cinnamon raisin toast with jam
8. lots of sun
9. roses
10. a spa party with a great group of women
11. having lived in this town so long & knowing lots of people everywhere i go
12. friends who don't judge me - no matter what shocking stories i tell them
13. new friends
14. lunch at my favorite restaurant - twice - and the waitress saying, "hey, you're off the crutches! cool!"
15. getting compliments like, "you know, you're one of those people around town who i don't know very well but i would always love to hang out with you and i'm sure we'd be really compatible friends."
16. holding a baby
17. interesting text messages from friends
18. my laptop - so i can do this outside
19. strawberry/watermelon gum!
20. someone telling me to cheer up & blog about things that make me happy

things i've been wanting to do for awhile:
21. a list of 100 things
22. run
23. have a baby
24. finish my masters degree
25. have enough time
26. check everything off my To Do list
27. throw away the To Do list
28. run
29. read all the books on my coffee table
30. live with a dishwasher

things that have not made me happy this week:
31. not being able to drive
32. not getting even CLOSE to enough sleep
33. people not returning phone calls
34. feeling purposeless - after 5 weeks of not working
35. too many phone calls on my To Do list
36. seeing people running
37. hearing about my friends running (just kidding gals, i've pretty much gotten over that)
38. people giving unsolicited advice
39. some other stuff...
40. not being able to drive

my favorite things about summer:
41. lots of daylight
42. kids playing in the neighborhood
43. warm weather
44. sun dresses
45. swimming (although, that's pretty much out for me this summer)

facts:
46. today i'm wearing shorts for the first time this year
47. my sister is in costa rica - and i wonder how she's doing
48. i was not impressed with the Lakefair Parade yesterday
49. i've been really into YA books for the past year or so - especially Lois Lowry's and the traveling pants books.
50. i've visited alaska at least 20 times
51. i started this blog because i wanted to display my picture of the day
52. and because jess talked me into it
53. and because i thought it would make me write more
54. but i ended up not liking what it did to me and writing
55. so i took a break
56. and i'm not necessarily saying that the break is over now
57. so don't get your hopes up
58. one reason i stopped blogging for awhile is that it takes up so much time
59. and once i start writing blog entries, then i have to start reading everyone elses
60. and sometimes that makes me stay up very late
61. i know you all have different guidelines about how public you are with your blog - and i've mostly always been really willing to tell people about it
62. but then what if i want to write about something that i don't want everyone to read?
63. i haven't worked for five weeks now
64. except for Sensaria stuff and a bit of babysitting
65. i don't really like fireworks - because i can never stop thinking about how much they pollute
66. sometimes people think i'm much older than i am, sometimes they think i'm much younger
67. i think i act old and look young
68. i'm very afraid of house fires
69. i wish i was an artist
70. i want to write a book
71. i don't want to go back to work
72. i might not
73. i've been to more medical appointments in the past 14 months than in the entire 23 years before that
74. and i haven't been sick once
75. just two injuries
76. i really like talking on the phone
77. i really like hanging out with friends
78. thanks to one of those injuries - i've been getting weekly massages for 8 months now - and i will be very sad when that's over
79. i loved reading the Little House books when i was a girl
80. i really like pickles and olives
81. and ice cream
82. i LOVE swimming in the ocean
83. i hate alarm clocks
84. i hate sleeping in
85. i wish i could sleep in
86. i wish i never had to sleep
87. i like staying friends with people for a long, long time
88. most of my friends are named elizabeth - or some variation
89. i'm taking a break from going to the library (sorry libary girl) but before my break i went twice every single week for over a year
90. i worry that people don't like me
91. i don't really have secrets
92. sometimes i think i shoud keep a few more secrets than i do
93. i have sewed five quilts in the past five years
94. and zero before that
95. other people's lists are often interesting, i'm concerned that this one will be boring
96. i really like buying clothes, especially shoes
97. i'm really working on not buying clothes i won't like, because often i do that
98. i know more people on this street that i've lived on for less than five months than i've ever known in my neighborhood before
99. i've drank much less water this past week than i usually do
100. i want to learn italian

2005-07-17T13:00:00.000-07:00

waiting (07.16.05)

2005-07-17T12:58:00.001-07:00

blah (07.15.05)

2005-07-17T12:58:00.000-07:00

blah (07.14.05)

2005-07-13T22:37:00.000-07:00

blah (07.13.05)

2005-07-13T22:33:00.000-07:00

nothing to lose (07.12.05)

2005-07-13T22:31:00.000-07:00

Sensaria friends (07.11.05)

2005-07-13T22:30:00.001-07:00

recognition (07.10.05)

2005-07-13T22:30:00.000-07:00

first steps (07.09.05)

2005-07-13T22:29:00.000-07:00

Juneau friends (07.08.05)

2005-07-13T22:28:00.001-07:00

POTD inspiration (07.07.05)

2005-07-13T22:28:00.000-07:00

the height of my vacation activity (07.06.05)

2005-07-13T22:27:00.000-07:00

and she knitted wrist bands! (07.05.05)

2005-07-13T22:26:00.000-07:00

marching along on the sidelines (07.04.05)

2005-07-13T22:25:00.000-07:00

i knitted a poncho (07.03.05)

2005-07-13T22:24:00.000-07:00

progress (07.02.05)

2005-07-13T22:23:00.000-07:00

"yes, I think I DO need a bear." (07.01.05)

a new idea

2005-07-13T21:54:00.000-07:00

so, i can't write here anymore.

i'm planning on posting Picture O' Day still - but not daily. I mean, I'll still take them daily, and then upload when i feel like it.

enjoy.

2005-06-30T22:11:00.000-07:00

my best friend (06.30.05)

all good things must come to an end

2005-06-29T23:46:00.000-07:00

is this blog one of them?

i don't know.

when i first started, i wasn't sure what i thought. i was worried that writting would be cheepened by putting it in this form. i was worried that i'd write less or that the quality of my writting would slip.

and, my friends, i'd say all of the above has happened.

i gave it a shot.

and maybe now i'm done.

i hardly even have it in me to continue the POTD.

weird, how many things suddenly seem less important. writing, blogging, walking, driving, bathing. i don't do those things anymore. oh well.

2005-06-29T23:43:00.000-07:00

she made herself some brownies (06.29.05)

2005-06-28T22:27:00.000-07:00

bedtime snack (06.28.05) Jess - what do you think?

2005-06-27T22:37:00.000-07:00

granddaughter and grandma (06.27.05)

documentaries. and some more sugar.

2005-06-26T21:26:00.000-07:00

Tonight I watched two really great documentaries. The first one is about international adoption. Interviews with three international adoptees (now adults) and their adoptive families. The second one is this.

I'm trying to do more than just let my brian rot during this break from school and work.

Plus, another important thing happened tonight. My across the street neighbors, Mr. Neighbor and Girl Neighbor, brought me some cheesecake. Very sweet of them. Not just one slice. Not just two slices. But really a boy lot of slices. Like 7 or something. MY GOODNESS! What am I supposed to do with all that cheesecake? He said I can share it with my friends. Well, thanks Mr. Neighbor for giving me that permission. But, really - quite a nice thing for a neighbor to do at 9:30pm on a Sunday evening.

To tie these two seemingly unrelated topics together - the first thing Mr. Neighbor said when I opened the door (after him ringing the doorbell about 48 times in the 45 seconds it took for me to get to the door) was, "Are you watching a home movie?" And while I wasn't, actually, watching a home movie - my neighbor was somehow able to detect (from outside my house) that the movie I was watching was not of professional movie quality. Which was the case with Doc #1.

sugar

2005-06-26T21:04:00.000-07:00

I ate about 10 Starbursts today. 10 Starbursts aren't a whole boy lot.

(I used to take care of a two year old who taught me that phrase. He'd say things like, "I want a boy lot of oatmeal, please." I think it carried the meanings of "oh boy, that's a lot.")

But it still felt like a lot in my tummy. And it reminded me of the day Sarah moved away. I believe it was that day. That first day Sarah was gone. But maybe it was a day or two later. Devin and I, grief stricken, 16 years old, cut up construction paper and stapled it into loops and made count down chains to count down the days until we'd see Sarah again. We made one for her house and one for mine. And we ate a bag of Starbursts. The entire thing. While we made those chains and missed our friend.

That was a boy lot of Starbursts. And we felt very sick. And I don't think either of us ate any Starbursts for a long time.

2005-06-26T21:03:00.000-07:00

summer reading. (06.26.05) i highly recommend this book.

2005-06-25T23:50:00.000-07:00

me and my bud (06.25.05)

2005-06-24T21:56:00.000-07:00

latte for baby (06.24.05)

2005-06-23T22:06:00.000-07:00

Toni called the doctor... (06.23.05)

... and the doctor said...

2005-06-23T20:32:00.000-07:00

"Yes, Toni, you can go ahead and take your boot off. And, yes, Toni, you can also take that ACE bandage off. And, yes, Toni, I'd say you can even go without an ACE bandage. You can even wash your foot a little. Then put a sock on, and get that boot back on."

And, as if I haven't heard this enough times, "NO WALKING!"

WHAT HAPPENED BEFORE THAT:
I had a horrible night last night. Painful and wakeful. I've had this terrible, itchy, hot, burny, gooey sensation in my boot. Too moist. My heel was unbareably raw from friction from the ACE bandage and moisture and heat. I absolutely could not handle it. Being the rule following surgery recoverer that I am, I left my boot on just like I was told. But yesterday morning, first thing, upon waking, I had to rip that velcro off and hair dry that sucker. I just couldn't stand it one second longer. Then, last night, I felt like that all night long. I spent the night taking off my boot - laying vigilantly still - putting my boot back on and once again feeling secure - becoming unable to stand the gooey, burning, grating pain - removing the boot - fearing that I'd move my ankle in some Life Ending way - laying vigilantly still... and not sleeping at all. At 3:35 am I wanted to call my doctor. At home. I know her cell phone number. And ask if I could take my boot off. And ask if she'd come over and check it. I really wanted to call her. It's not that I couldn't stand the pain. It was that I couldn't stand the discomfort. I was indescribably uncomfortable.

So this morning I woke up, and called up my dear, sweet doctor and asked her WHAT I SHOULD DO!!!!

No more ACE bandage, she told me?!? Could that be? Is it true? Am I really free from that restrictive, thermogenic wrap of hell??? Unbelievable. I rolled over on my little rolling chair to my sock drawer, testing all my socks against my cheek, trying to find the softest most comforting sock for my weary and abused footsie. I selected the best, and proceeded to remove my boot. Pause with terror. Think of removing the wrap. Fear that my foot would fall off. Lightly, gently, tenderly... remove... the... wrap. Hold my foot perfectly still. Well, what do you know, LOOK AT HOW TIGHTLY THAT WAS WRAPPED!! (See below - no wonder the pain was unsleepthroughable!) And check out that incision. Not too bad. (The blue is the surgeon's drawing, the plan for the incision.) Not even too swollen.

So, wow, today was a big day. As far as the foot goes. Unveiling. Wow. Significant. I fought the urge to call my doctor three or four times more today - just to make sure that the post-wrap-removal pain I'm experiencing isn't concern worthy.

But, relax, Toni. I think it's okay. Ice pack, elevation, things are okay.

2005-06-23T20:30:00.000-07:00

i think it was wrapped too tightly

2005-06-22T16:11:00.000-07:00

phew (06.22.05) wow. i can see why i so badly need to go to the chiropractor tomorrow. look at that alignment!

a big bag of tricks

2005-06-22T00:52:00.000-07:00

it's funny. when i start to take away all the things i do in my life to distract myself from myself - there are always more.

like, i've taken away the busy-ness. i'm no longer busy. but then i fill it up with friendsallthetime. then i take away the friends, get myself a little bit of alone time. but then i fill it up by staying up really late on the computer, until i'm so tired i can't think.

there's always more (ways to fill my time and distract myself) and i'll find it and do it unless i don't. so i'm don't-ing some. i just have to stop. now i'm stopping, getting off the computer.

we'll see what happens.

After midnight, but that doesn't make it tomorrow - does it?

2005-06-22T00:24:00.000-07:00

So I'm still going to say it: HAPPY SOLSTICE. I know solstice was technically yesterday. Because today is the 22nd. But when I woke up last it was the 21st, and when I wake up next it will be the 22nd. So that makes today today and tomorrow tomorrow and right now is not tomorrow. Right? So I can say it.

Three years ago, on summer solstice, blissfully enjoying a new relationship, I remember confessing that summer solstice always makes me sad. It's the beginning of the dark. I know that's not what I should be focusing on right now, but that's what it always makes me think of. Longest day of the year. Great. That just means it's downhill from here. Before I know it school starts up again (clearly these are thoughts I've had for awhile, if they're built around the school year) and then fun will end.

What's interesting is that I'm having a summer vacation this year. Seven full weeks off of work. Four entire months off of school! I can't drive - so it's pretty much like being a kid. (I mean, I can't walk, so it's pretty much like being a baby.) But it's kind of like the teenage summer vacation I never had. As a teenager my summers were very busy. I always worked 60-80 hours/week. I woke up early. I was busy busy busy. It wasn't all boring, I was social too. But in a crammed in, tired, nothing is ever enough kind of way. So this summer is different. There's very little I have to do and a lot of time to do it in. I need some time by myself. I'm getting it in little pieces and it's scary and I also know I need more. So I'll take more.

The one thing I've gotten quiet enough to hear myself tell myself this past week is that I need less. Less time with a million different people. And less activities. Less activity. Bingo. I want to deepen relationships with a few people, and trust that I'll be okay if I stop putting so much energy into other relationships.

I just had a lovely, wonderful 72 hours with Jessalynn. We slept a little, ate good breakfasts, late lunches, and late dinners. We talked and talked and talked and talked. About very important things like shoes and balancing mothering with career, things like swearing and my neighbor's personal lives. We read - many books each. Reading parts outloud, discussing, questioning, laughing, crying. We went to B&B today - twice. She met lots of friends of mine she hadn't met before. We ate ice cream, beacause we always do. We wrote. I knitted some. I took a picture every day.

I'm tired, and I'm not going to proof-read.

2005-06-22T00:18:00.000-07:00

multitasking (06.21.05) not only is Jessalynn making us pancakes and reading "Expecting Adam," but she is also observing my ever interesting neighbors out the window.

2005-06-20T20:03:00.000-07:00

looking beyond (06.20.05) Sometimes progress isn't externally visable. From the outside, my boot looks like it did yesterday. But me and my doctor both know that today she removed my stitches and and said that it looks excellent. This process continues, yet to be unveiled.

2005-06-19T21:32:00.000-07:00

This is me and a monkey. Outside of Banos, Ecuador. 2002. Not a great picture because I had to mess with the light a lot to make me and the monkey visable. This is the closest I've ever been to a monkey - and I was ELATED. (I know, my face doesn't really show "elation" but I was.) Also, this is the same place where, a month or two later, I badly cut my hand and required three stitches.

2005-06-19T20:35:00.000-07:00

same cousins, same pond, Jamie's graduation party, June 14, 2002

2005-06-19T20:33:00.000-07:00

cousins at Dayna's graduation party (06.19.05)

2005-06-18T18:54:00.000-07:00

kellan looks like a V

2005-06-18T18:52:00.001-07:00

kellan looks like a monkey

2005-06-18T18:52:00.000-07:00

some people don't know how to be silly

2005-06-18T18:50:00.000-07:00

Sis' graduation party

Just because I have a lot of friends...

2005-06-18T18:22:00.000-07:00

The other day my neighbors were in my bedroom (because that's mostly where I stay, so it's where people visit me) and as they were leaving I said, "Okay, now I'll just get back to writing a blog post about my neighbors." They probably thought I was kidding. But I really do blog about them a lot. Here was the first. This was before I really knew them.

Just now I went downstairs to get some dinner. Sometimes I hop instead of crutch. It's easier sometimes. Especially when I want to use my hands. Which I do, when I'm getting some dinner. Even if all I can manage as far as Getting Some Dinner goes is eating cold pizza out of the fridge and some baby carrots. Anyway, my neighbor was standing in his doorway, across the street. And saw me hopping. And started imitating me. His wife says I should take is as a compliment, he only makes fun of people he likes. He makes fun of me all the time. He has two favorite topics. His first is the fact that I'm never home. Doesn't seem very mockable, does it? But he's found a way to hassle me about it. As if I have some obligation to be home, to keep the neighborhood company. When I come home he'll say, "I bet you're leaving in a couple minutes, huh?" Well, he can't use that topic anymore because now that I can't walk or drive or anything I am ALWAYS HOME. Practically. However, now that I'm always home I have a lot of visitors. So that's his new favorite Hassle Toni Topic. So, when he was hopping around in his doorway and making fun of me I hopped over to my doorway and held up a piece of mail and said in a taunting voice, "I have some mail for you..." It worked. He came over. And took his mail. And then he said, "Who's spending the night tonight?" It's a good thing I like my neighbors. I like them a lot. If I didn't like them I would be incredibly creeped out by how nosey they are. They know everything about me. They knew things about me that my best friends of 14 years don't know about me - and they knew these things BEFORE I EVEN MOVED IN! I don't know how. Like I said, if I didn't like them a lot I'd be really creeped out. Anyway, K likes to give me a hard time about having so many friends visit. So I told him my friend Jessalynn is coming up from Portland, and will be spending the night tonight. (That's funny. Just as I typed that she called to say she's on her way.) I hate that he assumes someone is spending the night tonight, and he's RIGHT. I said, in a teenager sort of voice, "It's not like people spend the night every night!!!" And he just smirked and said, "I wish I had a camera." "For all the cars?" "For all the cars." "Did you see the green Jetta last night?" "I did." Maren, my neighbor caught you visiting me.

Really, I really, really like my neighbors. In fact, I'll have to make them POTD one of these days soon.

Yesterday my sister graduated from high school. Today we had a nice, little party for her at the park.

2005-06-18T18:10:00.000-07:00

monkey kids (06.18.05)

2005-06-17T22:51:00.000-07:00

um.... yeah. Sept, 2002

2005-06-17T22:50:00.000-07:00

About 3 years ago when we were newly housemates and I was really tan and my nose was pierced - Maren & Toni

2005-06-17T22:48:00.000-07:00

Me and Maren - I was visiting Portland for my graduation from LC two years ago.

2005-06-17T22:46:00.000-07:00

Maren showing off some knitting of mine (sweater and hat, both) about four years ago.

2005-06-17T22:41:00.000-07:00

My sister graduating. I am so proud. (06.17.05)

"I might be awhile, cuz I might wanna shave my leg (and a half), so don't worry..."

2005-06-17T22:39:00.000-07:00

This is what I said to Maren as she sat outside the bathroom door to make sure I could handle the shower alone.

AND I DID!!!!
!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maren: you gunna blog about me?
Me: do you want me to?
Maren: in the most matter of fact voice: "yup." then she adds, "I really like it. Katy put a picture of me on hers."

Well, I can do Katy one better. Not only am I putting a picture of you here Mare-bear, but I'm putting an OLD picture of you up. Here we go.

it really is that kind of neighborhood

2005-06-16T22:55:00.000-07:00

my neighbor just called to say, "sorry to call so late, but do you know what that god awful noise is?"

i love that.

2005-06-16T20:44:00.000-07:00

Tighe with tiger (06.16.05)

Self disclosure

2005-06-15T23:54:00.000-07:00

Tagged by Jess. Thanks Jess.

Three screen names that you have had: townpocket, almejaveloz, barefootrunner
Three things you like about yourself: i'm good at time management, my legs, my memory
Three things you don't like about yourself: i'm bad at relaxing, my current haircut (although i really do like my hair in general), i can't walk (which is, by the way, also temporary)
Three parts of your heritage: austrian, german, perfectionist
Three things that scare you: being alone (especially last night), house fires, car accidents
Three of your everyday essentials: chai in the morning, some time alone, some time with others
Three things you are wearing right now: i am wearing exactly three things right now. boot, pj pants, tank top.
Three of your favorite songs: i'm not really into music right now. not today. how about ask me three of my favorite books. okay. no, wait, just ask me three books i'm currently reading. okay. here: Anne Lamott's "Plan B." "What Not To Wear: For Every Occassion." "Mother Daughter Wisdom" by Christiane Northrup
Three things I want in a relationship: someone who will go to the coffee shop with me and talk a little but mostly do his own thing while i do my own thing, laughter, gentle honesty. and follow through. i know that's four, but after a conversation with my mother tonight about a certain ex-boyfriend of mine, i must add Follow Through to the list.
Two truths and a lie: yesterday i ate a tofu hot dog, yesterday i ate pizza with soy cheese, yesterday i drank a starbucks strawberries and cream frappuccino.
Three things you can't do without: water, and lots of it. written expression - journal or blog or letters or something. sleep, at least most nights.
Three places you want to go on vacation: deeper into solitude, swimming in the ocean, sol duc hotsprings. and italy. sorry, i keep adding a forth.
Three things you just can't do: lie - i guess that's good, but sometimes i wish i could. walk. bathe myself.
Three kids' names: lola mae. ethel. randa. oh, were they supposed to be good ones? adela, elizabeth, molly, nora, gwen, harriet, grace, greta, mae, gabriella, finn, owen, connor, isaac, jonas, jonah, benjamin, caleb, elijah/eli, jaden, gabriel, quinn, elliot, liam, lucas, noah. my god, i'm supposed to pick THREE? okay, let me try again. adela, harriet, elijah.
Three things you want to do before you die: raise a child, write a book, love my neighbors
Three Celeb crushes: Josh Lucas as Jake Perry in Sweet Home Alabama. Ethan Randall (who apparently also goes by Ethan Embry?) as Mark in Empire Records (who happens to also appear in Sweet Home Alabama). Hugh Grant as Will in About a Boy.
Three people you want to know these things about: Emma, Autumn, Malaika. Thanks, ladies!

Sounds of Lorne Street

2005-06-15T22:38:00.000-07:00

I can hear my across the street neighbor laughing. And laughing and laughing. Earlier today I heard her two year old shouting/singing "bye bye... bye bye..." over and over to someone walking down the street or maybe to his sister. I love this street.

TODAY I TOOK A SHOWER. It feels like a huge accomplishment. I'm very proud. For five whole days not bathing was perfect. No part of me thought bathing would be a good idea. I didn't even smell bad. I changed some parts of my clothes sometimes. I washed my hair twice. But I didn't even sponge bathe. It just didn't seem necessary. But today it was time. I woke up this morning, smelled my smell, and was very excited that it was Shower Day. All day I've been telling everyone. It's hilarious. I feel like a toddler saying, "Mommy! Guess what? I peed all by myself today!!!" Except I'm telling EVERYONE. And I didn't even do it all by myself. I actually had a lot of help. But it still took very much effort on my part, and I'm very proud of myself.

Plus I feel great. So clean. All day I've just been enjoying my nice, clean skin.

I'm getting a bit more of what being a toddler is like. I find myself saying, over and over,
"I can do it myself." Like when someone offers to help me take my pants off, "I can do it myself." Or get into bed, "I can do it myself." Or hold my water glass, "I can do it myself." I understand, people offer to help toddlers because it's a little faster when someone else does it, and a little less messy. But I also understand being the toddler. There's a lot of pride in being able to say, "I can do it myself." Or even just, "Do it self!" Or, "Toni do it." I don't want to be fussed over.

I'm also understanding something about babies. Why they need to be burped. Maybe someone else knows more about this and you can educate me. But what I'm noticing is that burping is something that happens when you're vertical. For that reason, adults don't need help burping. Neither do children. Just babies, because they spend lots of time horizontal. I've been noticing this. I'm mostly horizontal. And sometimes my tummy hurts. And then I'll get up to pee, and as soon as I get upright I burp. And feel much better. Very interesting.

I just went downstairs to get an ice pack, and then happened to run into some ice cream while I was in the freezer. How does one carry ice pack and ice cream on crutches? No problem. The ice pack gets strapped onto my boot. (See yesterday's picture.) The spoon spoon goes in my mouth. Easy. And the pint of Haagen-Dazs coffee? Simple. Just tuck it in the waistband of my pants! Then crutch over to the stairs, and scoot up on my butt, and slip up onto my rolling stool, and roll back to bed.

And then, as I was sitting here eating ice cream and blogging, something nice happened. My neighbor came in to ask if I wanted my "garbages" taken out. I said no thank you because my friend already put it out this morning. And he said, "No, your garbageS, like the ones in your house." Oh! How sweet of him to think of that! Again I said No Thank You, but I'm glad you stopped by because I'd like you to put this ice cream back in the freezer please.

And then his wife came over and he said, "Toni just took this ice cream out of her pants and gave it to me." And she laughed. The same laugh I was hearing as I started this post.

I'm telling you, this has been a BIG day. I mean, the showering is just part of it. Also, after the shower I put on clean clothes. And then, just now, I did something I haven't done in an entire week - I put pajamas on. I've just been wearing the same clothes, day in and day out, wake and sleep - all of it happening in bed. But tonight I felt motivated to wear pajamas during moon time, and I'll put some day clothes on in the morning to greet the sun. Also, I made myself breakfast today. WHEW! That was Some Hard Work. Really. I'm pretty sure I expended more calories making it than I consumed eating it. And I shed a few tears. Just from the frustration of it all. I also got a massage today. Which might not sound too challenging, BUT IT WAS. Well, the eating and the bathing leading up to it were much of the challenge. But then just climbing up on the massage table was hard. The massage was nice. But then I felt like crap afterwards. Likely because all the drugs I've been taking the last week, and all the stress and trauma I've been experiencing were all brought up and released and mixed around and messed with. I came home and slept for two hours. And then woke up with a bad headache and stomachache. And, yes, I AM drinking lots of water.

My biggest news of the day, though, is this. I've decided to quit the drugs. No more Percocet. And as of now, no more Vicodin. Beginning tomorrow, or whenever I wake up tonight in pain - I'm strictly a Tylenol and Ibuprofen girl. I'm hoping that some of the nausea and dizziness will cease. I'm hoping the pain won't be too bad.

This has been a good day. My one regret is this: I wanted to go the police station to clear my name, but didn't have time. I still have nine more days to pull that off. Maybe I can get a ride on Monday.

2005-06-15T18:04:00.000-07:00

view from my bed (06.15.05)

2005-06-14T22:28:00.000-07:00

"grandma scarf healing energy" (06.14.05) that's what shannon said as she tied this scarf around my foot this morning.

one, two, three

2005-06-13T21:04:00.000-07:00

usually new shoes come in pairs. but today i got three. two in the mail and one from the doctor.

it's been interesting to see what parts of my routine remain and what parts have changed since i've been in bed for the past four days. well, pretty much everything has changed. i still eat and sleep and practice some degree of hygiene. but those three things look quite different than normal. so, that said, i think Picture of the Day is my only bit of normalcy. i'm not even journaling.

before i had this surgery i was very excited about all the time i'd have to do things. like writing letters and stories and emails and knitting and reading and watching movies and visiting with people and getting enough sleep. how is it that my time has been completed occupied - and yet i've barely done any of these things? i think healing itself takes a lot of time.

sorry, it doesn't look like i have anything witty or entertaining tonight. maybe tomorrow.

2005-06-13T20:53:00.000-07:00

today i got 3 new shoes (06.13.05)

2005-06-12T17:01:00.000-07:00

stuck in bed (06.12.05)

Sorry

2005-06-11T20:05:00.000-07:00

I know there are typos in that last post. I don't care.

"Foot Makes Four"

2005-06-11T19:45:00.000-07:00

There was some dispute about what today's Picture of the Day should be titled. As Stephen was taking the picture he said, "foot makes four." So Mary thought it should be called that. Zach wanted it to be called "The Big Foot." How fun. I've never had so much input on the POTD naming.

This post is coauthored by my friend Zach, age 9.

Zach: For Christmas I might get a dog. And it's going to be an American Bulldog. And they need about four hours of exercise a day. And if you don't have them exercise enough they get hip problems. But I wake up at about 6 in the morning, so I can exericse it until about 8. And I'll exercise it after school.
Toni: What kind of exercise will you two get?
Zach: Good exericse!
Toni: Like... what?
Zach: Like... I throw the tenis ball about 15 feet ahead of my dog, then we race to it.

Toni: Tell me about your baseball team.
Zach: We're really good. And we're in first place in our division. And if we win about 13 more games in a row, which we might, we're so good we might, we might go play for the state, cuz we're so so good. Well, actually more than 13, actually a lot. But we're in first place in our division. And today we beat a team called The Pirates. And I struck out people.
Toni: So you're a pitcher?
Zach: Yep. And these are the positions I play - pitcher, catcher, and short stop.
Toni: What's your favorite?
Zach: Pitcher. And we've won 14 games and lost 3.
Toni: What's your favorite thing aobut losing?
Zach: LOSING? Um... nothing. How about you ask me what's my favorite part about winning.
Toni: Okay.
Zach: Um, after the game is over, once our closer pitcher, like - your best pitcher is your "closer pitcher" because in the last inning you can score as many runs as you want but in other innings there's a four run limit, and I'm the closer catcher because I'm a really good catcher. And last game Haden pitched to me and I caught iti and threw it down to Kellan and got the guy out. THE END.
Toni: But what's your favorite part about winning?
Zach: After the game I'm always catcher, so I have all this catcher gear on, so I, like, throw off my gear and I'm like, "YEAH!" and it's really fun because it's really cushioney. Yeah, that's it.
Toni: That's it?
Zach: Yeah. Now write THE END, in pretty big letters.

THE END

And that, my friends, is what Toni and Percocet and Zach have to say.

So, speaking of, I just did some research on Percocet. And, guess what, I'm not going crazy. I thought maybe I was. Because I've been SO ITCHY. But here's what I learned. I have purpled the parts that have been true for me:

More common side effects may include: Dizziness, light-headedness, nausea, sedation, vomiting
You may be able to alleviate some of these side effects by lying down.
Less common or rare side effects may include: Constipation, depressed feeling, exaggerated feeling of well-being, itchy skin, skin rash, slowed breathing (at higher doses)

And I have greened the parts that have NOT been true for me.

But, seriously, the slowed breathing part is kind of scary. Like, whenever I'm drifting off to sleep I'm afraid that I'll stop breating. Because I practically do.

2005-06-11T19:43:00.000-07:00

The big foot (06.11.05)

Narcotics

2005-06-11T06:49:00.000-07:00

All night long I thought of lots of great things to write about. Some of it was blogging ideas. Some of it was fiction ideas. But it didn't make any sense, even at the time. And by morning I'd forgotten.

A bit ago I got up to practice some personal hygiene. deodorant was at the top of my list. Imagine me, on my office "stool" (it's not a chair because the back broke off) sitting in front of the bathroom sink. I have to straddle the sink area so as to get my face close enough to the sink to wash it. Plus it's tricky because the sink only comes up to about chin height when I'm on my rolling stool. So, I was straddling the sink thing, but putting one foot (you can guess which one) up on the toilet. Like, just stuck all the way across the open toilet, with the foot neatly sticking off the other end of the toilet into the bathroom corner. I brushed my teeth. Nice. I washed my face, and even exfoliated. By the end of the exfoliating, before I'd gotten a chance to moisturize - I got very nauseous. This happens. When I move. I'd forgotten, because I was just fine for my first 7 minutes of hygiene. So I had to lay my head on the cool sink for a bit, and then return to bed. Then I remembered that I forgot the deodorant.

beautiful toenails, don't you think?

2005-06-10T16:13:00.001-07:00

I don't feel like writing my now. My head feels... funny. And I'm tired. And it's hard to type while lying down.

But I was very touched to check my email and see all your good wishes. Thank you so much. I really knew, as I was waiting at the hospital and then going into surgery, that lots of people were thinking about me. And that helped.

I'm really looking forward to having time to write. I think I'll be blogging more, lettering more, and hopefully venturing into fiction a bit more.

I have already read an entire book since my surgery. Don't get too impressed. It was short and easy. But I'm recommending it to everyone except Jess because she already read it and recommended it to me. I loved it so much that I kept wanting to read parts aloud to my mom, who is here with me. And even though I read most of it to her, she's now reading it herself. I can hear the pages turning, once every 3-10 seconds. Really, it's a quick read.

Reading aloud is funny and hard, for a couple reasons. My speaking aloud volume interpretation seems a little off. Like, my own voice sounds REALLY loud in my head. Even if I whisper. Almost so loud I can't hear myself, and definitely so loud that I can't hear anything else. And the effect seems to be cumulative. The longer I talk, the worse it gets. The other problem is something I'm a litle more experienced with. My throat is kind of scratchy, I guess from breathing dry oxygen from a mask or something, so my voice is hoarse.

More later. But probably not today.

2005-06-10T16:13:00.000-07:00

enveloped (06.10.05)

2005-06-09T22:09:00.000-07:00

intact (06.09.05) I dropped my car off at the place it's going to stay while I'm not driving it for awhile. And walked home. I told my legs and back to really enjoy that walk. Because it will be awhile. They said okay.

please send me good, healthy, loving, warm, tranquil thoughts

2005-06-08T22:06:00.000-07:00

and ask others to do so as well.

I'm having my ankle surgery (finally) on Friday at 7:30 AM, Pacific Time.

I'm scared and glad that it's finally happening and all kinds of other emotions I can't name.

because i'm not quite tired yet...

2005-06-08T21:56:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'll admit it. Katy did it first.

Use Google's image search to find images of the following and then link the first image you find.

1. Your Grandmother's name
2. Your name (Okay, I just can't help it. I also want to display the second image that came up also.
3. Where you were born
4. Where you live now
5. Your favorite drink
6. Your favorite song
7. Your favorite smell

2005-06-08T17:58:00.000-07:00

celery heart (06.08.05)

2005-06-07T23:20:00.000-07:00

in the midst of it all... at least this is on my kitchen table. (06.07.05)

2005-06-06T22:42:00.000-07:00

the big promotion! (06.06.05) If I feel like it, I'll write more about it tomorrow.

See picture, below

2005-06-05T23:52:00.000-07:00

Today, at the Olympia Farmer's Market, I ran into one of my favorite teachers from high school. I guess she's my favorite. I can't think of another.

Mrs. Bird taught me English my freshman year and Shakespeare my senior year. And I actually learned how to write. In retrospect, those classes were both useful. And there's not much from high school I would say that about.

I wish I was less tired and could write something about how great she is and what an impact she had on my life. Because she really did. But I'm not in the mood. My foot hurts because my Red Welt Summer Foot disease has returned. And my ankle hurts because I fell down the stairs on Friday and also on May 17th, 2004. So I'm going to bed now.

i don't know

2005-06-05T23:28:00.000-07:00

i've been very weepy lately. like, everything makes me cry. kids in church. graduation announcements. strangers' blogs. i've been tearing up for most of a week.

concurrently, my response to "are you nervous about your surgery?" has been changing. people have been asking me that for awhile. and the answer was always, "no." or sometimes, "no, not the surgery. i'm worried about the afterwards." y'all, my faithful readers, might remember that. i was blogging about that worry a lot awhile ago. i was worried that i'd be helpless for a long time and all alone. i was worried that the wrong people would want to help me in the wrong ways and the right people wouldn't even care about me. i was worried that i would be all alone with nothing to do and very bored.

that worry faded. so many people have promised to help. and a dear friend even volunteered to rally my pals and coordinate meals and things like that. i was reassured. i know i'll be fine. there will be people to drive me to appointments, and people to make food for me.

but i've noticed that in the last couple days i can't answer that question with such a strong no. i think i'm starting to worry about this surgery. it's getting closer. and i'm scared. i don't like the idea of my body being cut open. even if it's just my ankle. yesterday someone showed me her 9 month old scar from a very similar surgery. and she told me about how having this surgery was the worst thing ever in her life. and just leaving her apartment was such an awful chore that she didn't do it. and i told her i didn't want to hear about it. but she kept telling me.

so now i'm worried some about the surgery itself. about how long i'll be unable to do the things i want to do. i only have four more mornings to wake up and ask myself, "would you like to go for a walk before work, or do you want to sleep for another hour?" beginning on friday neither walking or working will be an option. and as nice as limitless sleep time sounds... i want more of a life than that.

i'm worried about how dependent i'll be. i'm extremely grateful that someone is scheduling helpers for me - but it all feels so out of my control. i realized tonight that i'm terrified about that part. it's so scary to think that i won't be able to just do what i want to do. that i'll need someone to do my laundry for me, because i can't carry it down to the basement.

it's such an interesting mix of independence and intense social connection that i thrive on. that's what i'm realizing. it's not that i like to be alone and do everything on my own. i love spending lots of time with people. i love helping and being helped. but i also love being able to do things myself - go where i want to go when i want to go there. i like not having to tell anyone where i'm going or what i'm doing. unless i want to.

and i'm going to lose that.

so it's kind of ironic. because i spent so much time in the past few months worrying about being alone after surgery. and now i'm worried about being too not alone. someone used the word brat today, in reference to me not wanting to accept help. i don't think i'm a brat. i think it's okay for me to be whereever i am with this. and right now i'm scared. i don't want to do this. i don't want my life to change. i don't like not knowing what it's going to be like. everyone has such different opinions about what recovery time will look like. some people make it sound like it's going to be a piece of cake, that i'll be zooming around town on the bus, sacrificing no independence at all. however, it's those people who really know what they're talking about (the woman yesterday who showed me her scar, my friend who is a podiatrist, my friend whose husband has had similar surgeries) who tell me that i shouldn't expect to do anything (ANYTHING) for a week. at least. and then not really much at all for weeks more.

goodness.

i don't like that i won't be able to walk. i'm scared that i won't be able to run again. i hate that i haven't been able to run for over a year now. i don't the idea of giving up monday and friday trips to the library. even though i know i'll be able to do that again at some point. i know i won't be doing that next monday. i want my normal life to continue. change really scares me.

NEW TOPIC. Which is kind of related, as it turns out.
I go back and forth about if I like living alone or if I want to live with others. Tonight I'm thinking I want to live with others. I spent the evening at a friend's house, and kept wishing I lived there. How great it would be to have people to hang out with. Built it. I get lonely at home. Even though I go out and see people lots. Even though people come over and visit. Even though I'm on the phone practically always. It would be great to have people at home. Because here I am - at home - alone - not sleeping because I don't want to be alone right now.

Anne Lamott says to write at least 300 words every day. Even if none of it is good. A writer has to keep writing. So here's more than 3 days worth. And I'm not impressed with any of it. I'm hoping that in the next two months when I'm not working I'll have time to work on writing.

2005-06-05T21:57:00.000-07:00

Mrs. Bird (06.05.05)

sorry to disappoint...

2005-06-05T16:57:00.000-07:00

but i don't have any interesting, secret stories. nope. not at all. all i meant is what i said, sometimes things happen and i want to blog about them, but i don't want to potentially share them with EVERYONE. i didn't really mean that something really juicy had happened and i didn't want y'all to find out.

so, stop wondering. and come have coffee if you want to hear the mundane details, cuz that's about all there is.

2005-06-04T19:04:00.000-07:00

isn't this interesting?(06.04.05)

need for approval

2005-06-04T07:57:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish that I didn't share my blog so publicly. Like, that only a few people knew about it.

Because sometimes something happens, and I want to blog about it...
But I don't want to tarnish my reputation.

How's that for stimulating your curiosity?

2005-06-03T17:17:00.000-07:00

Today I had to return some stuff to the library (06.03.05)

My goodness

2005-06-03T08:47:00.000-07:00

Okay, I admit it. I'm still here "wasting" time on the comp.

But this CRACKED ME UP and I want to share it. From my friend Malaika's blog.

boondoggling

2005-06-03T08:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm not quite boondoggling. But, still.

I have quite awhile before I have to be anywhere this morning. (Not until 10:15, with a quick stop at the library beforehand.) So I was very excited about how much I could get done. But here it is 8:29 and all I've done is go for a walk and have some breakast. I still must shower. And THEN attack my To Do list.

Oh well, productivity doesn't have to be the main goal.

I went to bed after midnight. I don't know why. I got home around 11, and then worked on last night's To Do list for awhile. And got a little sidetracked on the internet. Which is quite the same thing that's happening to me right now. Blog reading, and all. But the point is, I went to bed after midnight, and got up at 6. By after midnight I mean that, at most, I got 5 hours of sleep. So, I'm actually feeling fine, but I do wonder if my lack of sleep isn't contributing to my lack of productivity.

Speaking of the library. (I was. See above.) I'm having a bit of trouble making an important decision. There are three libraries in my town and close surrounding area. One is pretty near my house and downtown. One is near my school, most of my appointments (I have a lot) and was near my work until I started working at a new location this week. One is near my new work. So... the question is, which should be my library? I do need to pick, because I need to have my holds sent to just one. The issue becomes more complicated because beginning a week from now I will not be driving for four or maybe seven weeks. And so I'll need to be driven to the library. So it needs to not only be convienent for me, but also my drivers. So, clearly, the third choice is out. Because beginning a week from now I won't be working anymore. So, that leaves A or B. We must rule out the fact that one is near my school, because I won't be in school this summer. The thing that makes Option B appealing is that IT'S WHERE I ALREADY GO. And I like routine. The last couple times I've gone in I've thought about telling them to change me to a Library A gal. But I just couldn't. I like the people who work there. I like the easy layout of the circulation desk. I have a little crush on someone who works there who, I'm fairly certain, pays me no mind at all. And it does seem fairly convienent to continue going there, considering that I'll already be needing rides to all my appintments, and most of them are in the general vicinity of that library. Okay, I think that settles it. Forget about Library A. And I never even considered Library C. Thanks for helping me think that through.

2005-06-02T23:37:00.000-07:00

No, Kitty, they're MINE! (06.02.05)

2005-06-01T15:50:00.000-07:00

a peaceful corner, at least (06.01.05)

break neck speed

2005-05-31T22:30:00.000-07:00

i wish i had time to
-return phone calls
-fold my clean laundry
-water my plants
-sleep
-unwind

-blog

i spent a lovely extended weekend with my college friends this weekend. down in portland. it was wonderful. it's neat to leave that weekend just being really grateful that i have such dear, dear friends rather than being really sad that i don't see them as much as i'd like to. one of the things i really appreciated about that weekend was the S L O W pace. enough sleep. time to return calls if i felt like it. or not. preparing beautiful meals and enjoying them with others. movies. knitting.

i have 10 more days of GetItAllDone Mania. and then the calm, the recoup beings. wish me luck in these next crazy 10 days. i wish i could delegate some of my life to others - but i think i have to live in myself. and learn the lessons. like, the big one - DO LESS.

okay... stubbling off to bed now. exhausted. after moving and doing nonstop since i awoke 16 hours ago. nonstop. really. only to awaken once more 7 hours from now and do it all again. 7 hours might sound like enough sleep. yeah, it would be. unfortunately all i have is 7 bed hours. because goodness knows that after a day like this my mind won't just shut off immediately. oh no. that takes an hour or more.

okay, this is not a very interesting post anymore. and yet... i keep typing. that's what happens when i'm really tired.

bye!

2005-05-31T22:29:00.000-07:00

AAAAHHHHHH! HELP!!! (05.31.05)

2005-05-30T16:06:00.001-07:00

our feet

2005-05-30T16:06:00.000-07:00

Memorial Day (05.30.05)

2005-05-29T22:48:00.000-07:00

quiet (05.29.05)

2005-05-28T21:37:00.000-07:00

picking up Laurel (05.28.05)

snowball effect

2005-05-27T21:30:00.000-07:00

Today I ate bacon.

Thank God for my friends

2005-05-27T21:26:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I see myself fine, sometimes I need a witness
And I like the whole truth
But there are nights I only need forgiveness
Sometimes they say "I don't know who you are
But let me walk with you some"
And I say "I am alone, that's all
You can't save me from all the wrong I've done."
But they're waiting just the same
With their flashlights and their semaphores
And I'll act like I have faith and like that faith never ends
But I really just have friends
-Dar Williams

I'm glad I have friends to remind me the truth about good and love and life when I forget.

2005-05-27T21:26:00.000-07:00

yikes (05.27.05) Today I was driving down the road, and saw this new store. WHAT? Ideal Kids? What the hell is that? I was scared enough to go in and check it out. What do you imagine such a store would contain?

faltering. in a good way.

2005-05-27T07:04:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, I'm a list maker. I make lists of books I complete. By this I mean, I have a special notebook for this purpose, I list the title & number of pages & date completed. This list goes back for years. YEARS. If you're curious when (exactly) I read Truth or Dairy (which, by the way, I'd recommend to all you YA fans) - I could give you a precise date. But, basically the list is useless. And, yet, I'm compelled to continue. A year or so ago I thought about stopping. I couldn't. It's kind of obsessive, and I am gently inviting myself to cease some of these not-for-my-overall-betterment obsessive behaviors. Like the book list.

The whole thing has gotten kind of muddled since I started listening to talking books. Like, should I be listing them? This brings up the question - what, exactly, is it that I'm recording? Stories consumed? In that case, talking books qualify. Pages turned? They don't. Literature appreciated? Yes. Reading practiced? No. School also complicates the matter. Do textbooks count? How about novels assigned in school? List making of this sort needs to be very black and white - and that whole black and white structure has, finally, been questioned to the point of disintigration.

So, this week (Monday the 23rd, to be exact) I completed a book (I don't tell you how many pages, because, geez, Toni, give it up, it's not important) and DIDN'T put it on the list. I think I'm stopping.

But one of the things the list offered was a way to look back and say, "See, self, you read that book, wasn't that good?"

So what I'm choosing to do instead is talk about what I read. Not that I didn't do that already. But, still.

So, this week I finished reading Green Fires: Assault on Eden: A Novel of the Ecuadorian Rainforest, by Marnie Mueller. It's not particularly good writing. In fact, I'm pretty unimpressed with her writing. But the story is beautiful and powerful and compelling. I would recommend it to Lis (for obvious reasons, and please, let's discuss when you're done) and anyone interested in Latin American issues and anyone who speaks English best, Spanish second best, German third best, and also knows a little bit of Quichua. (If there is someone reading this blog who that is true for, please let me know. Besides myself and the author of this book, I bet we're pretty rare.)

birthdays repeating

2005-05-26T22:27:00.000-07:00

i have had two seperate ex-boyfriends who both have the same birthday. same year, even. it's kind of funny - on that day every year i think of them. and call it Ex-boyfriend Rememberance Day.

and today i learned that a different ex is now dating someone who has the same birthday as me. very interesting.

what do you all make of that?

2005-05-26T22:20:00.000-07:00

my savior (05.26.05)

We Refuse to be Pacified!

2005-05-25T21:47:00.000-07:00

Today I was walking around the lake and saw two mamas in their mid 20s, each with a 2 or 3 year old daughter - the mamas were friends and the daughters were friends. As I walked around the lake, and then sat on a bench, I was passed by this foursome three times. And one of the girls had a very intriguing red tank top on. I did some research, and found the following picture. If you want to learn more about the anarchist baby movement (not necessarily endorsed by this blog), feel free. Whatever the cause, I do like the shirt.

2005-05-25T21:44:00.000-07:00

2005-05-25T21:42:00.000-07:00

what if... (05.25.05) this used to me in the waiting room at my massage therapist's office. now it has moved to the bathroom. i love it. i'm glad that it moved to the bathroom because i'm still pretty shy about taking pictures of the day publicly. but in the bathroom i could snap this shot and nobody had to know.