Conflicting advice
I've been on a very interesting little medical journey over the past year. In this past year (excluding, perhaps, my first year?) I have had more medical appointments than I had in all of my life leading up to this past year. Hands down. I haven't been sick. Not once. Not once in this whole year. I really rarely get sick. Rather, I've had two injuries. On may 17th, 2004 I fell down some stairs at work. That's kind of embarrassing to admit. But I guess everyone falls down stairs now and then. So, I did. And it was, apparently, a bad fall. Because here I am, 11 months later, gearing up for some ankle surgery. Thanks to this ankle injury I met my physical therapist, Lisa. I think she's great. She thinks I'm great. We have a lot of fun together. As I was leaving today she said, "it's always so great to see you, Toni." I've also gotten to meet a wonderful podiatrist, Molina. I really enjoy knowing her. She's wonderful. I also got reacquainted with my old childhood physician who is managing the L&I part of this issue. That's been fun. I've also had a large handful of "second" opinions. All in all, while I'm grateful to have met/re-met all these great women - there are just too many cooks in the kitchen.
as if that wasn't enough - I got rear ended on November 24th, 2004. The evening before thanksgiving. I had just left work. Was headed I didn't know where. I hadn't decided yet. Happy to have that rare free afternoon. Probably would have ended up at the coffee shop. But, alas. My lovely little car ended up totaled and I ended up with some neck and back problems which linger still today. Thanks to that injury I have had another opportunity to work with Lisa, the physical therapist. I've also gotten to meet and come to really like Mary, my massage therapist. She's delightful. And I've gotten to know Ron, my chiropractor, as an adult. I spent lots of time in that office with my mom as a child. I mean, lots.
one thing that's so touching about all these women (and the occasional man), my medical professionals, is that I can tell that I'm meaningful in their lives. Molina and Lisa and Mary all tell me stories about times in their personal lives when they think of me. I love the small town community feel of this. My doctors really know me. When Molina sees the south sound running training group runners on a Saturday morning she thinks to herself - Toni is really sad that she isn't out running with them this morning. And then she tells me about it the next time she sees me. When Mary's receptionist started running Mary said to her, "you should ask Toni about getting some good running shoes." when Lisa sent me on my way today, saying she didn't have much more help to offer with my back she said, "please do send me a little email or give me a call and let me know how ankle surgery goes. If you don't mind me being so nosey. I'm just really curious."
so it has been interesting. Me who used to never go to the doctor - now I have some appointment or another at least three days a week. It's a lot. Writing this blog has been interesting because in doing this writing that I know other people will read I end up seeing myself from an external perspective from time to time. So I see what I'm writing here. I put it together with everything else I've written...
it's all about relationship, isn't it? I mean, here I am writing about spraining my ankle and it ends up being about how much I'll miss my podiatrist when my care gets transferred to an orthopedic surgeon. (part of me wants to find a way to keep seeing her!)
but none of this was what I intended to write about when I started writing. And, by the way, I apologize if this is boring and meaningless. I'm not even sure what I'm saying. But I'm saying it because I need to process this, not because I'm convinced that it's worth your reading time. What I intended to write about is Conflicting Advice.
what I mean is the advice that these professionals give me which, from time to time, conflicts with my intuition. Which then makes me question my intuition. Especially because I respect these professionals so much, and since they know me so well.
today my physical therapist said that I should be getting some exercise. Not running, of course. She knows better than I do that this ankle can't run. This ankle actually can't do much of anything. She suggested trying swimming. I tried to turn my ears off. I really didn't want to hear that recommendation. I just don't know what to do with it. This is very uncharacteristic of me to talk about this so publicly. I guess I'm ready for input. So, please. Comment. Tell me what you think.
I don't know what to do with exercise. Historically exercise is something that I've done compulsively and excessively, something that's often caused more physical strain and exhaustion than it's provided physical health, and has nearly always caused more mental anguish and misery than it's provided mental health. So, yeah, I agree with her, I should exercise. Of course, that's coming from the part of me that thinks I should run 10 miles every day. I don't know how to be reasonable about this. I don't know how to be moderate about this. I wish it was easy.
as if that wasn't enough - I got rear ended on November 24th, 2004. The evening before thanksgiving. I had just left work. Was headed I didn't know where. I hadn't decided yet. Happy to have that rare free afternoon. Probably would have ended up at the coffee shop. But, alas. My lovely little car ended up totaled and I ended up with some neck and back problems which linger still today. Thanks to that injury I have had another opportunity to work with Lisa, the physical therapist. I've also gotten to meet and come to really like Mary, my massage therapist. She's delightful. And I've gotten to know Ron, my chiropractor, as an adult. I spent lots of time in that office with my mom as a child. I mean, lots.
one thing that's so touching about all these women (and the occasional man), my medical professionals, is that I can tell that I'm meaningful in their lives. Molina and Lisa and Mary all tell me stories about times in their personal lives when they think of me. I love the small town community feel of this. My doctors really know me. When Molina sees the south sound running training group runners on a Saturday morning she thinks to herself - Toni is really sad that she isn't out running with them this morning. And then she tells me about it the next time she sees me. When Mary's receptionist started running Mary said to her, "you should ask Toni about getting some good running shoes." when Lisa sent me on my way today, saying she didn't have much more help to offer with my back she said, "please do send me a little email or give me a call and let me know how ankle surgery goes. If you don't mind me being so nosey. I'm just really curious."
so it has been interesting. Me who used to never go to the doctor - now I have some appointment or another at least three days a week. It's a lot. Writing this blog has been interesting because in doing this writing that I know other people will read I end up seeing myself from an external perspective from time to time. So I see what I'm writing here. I put it together with everything else I've written...
it's all about relationship, isn't it? I mean, here I am writing about spraining my ankle and it ends up being about how much I'll miss my podiatrist when my care gets transferred to an orthopedic surgeon. (part of me wants to find a way to keep seeing her!)
but none of this was what I intended to write about when I started writing. And, by the way, I apologize if this is boring and meaningless. I'm not even sure what I'm saying. But I'm saying it because I need to process this, not because I'm convinced that it's worth your reading time. What I intended to write about is Conflicting Advice.
what I mean is the advice that these professionals give me which, from time to time, conflicts with my intuition. Which then makes me question my intuition. Especially because I respect these professionals so much, and since they know me so well.
today my physical therapist said that I should be getting some exercise. Not running, of course. She knows better than I do that this ankle can't run. This ankle actually can't do much of anything. She suggested trying swimming. I tried to turn my ears off. I really didn't want to hear that recommendation. I just don't know what to do with it. This is very uncharacteristic of me to talk about this so publicly. I guess I'm ready for input. So, please. Comment. Tell me what you think.
I don't know what to do with exercise. Historically exercise is something that I've done compulsively and excessively, something that's often caused more physical strain and exhaustion than it's provided physical health, and has nearly always caused more mental anguish and misery than it's provided mental health. So, yeah, I agree with her, I should exercise. Of course, that's coming from the part of me that thinks I should run 10 miles every day. I don't know how to be reasonable about this. I don't know how to be moderate about this. I wish it was easy.
posted by toni @ 9:23 PM
7 Comments:
At 4/19/2005 10:10 PM,
Jess said…
Maybe you could get her to recommend an amount of exercise - and make yourself not go above that. If the excessive tendency is what worries you. Like if she says 'swim X number of hours per week' then try that. Limits for yourself. But don't feel like you have to (this coming from the girl who almost NEVER exercises...put together I think we'd be a good exerciser).
At 4/20/2005 9:03 AM,
Autumn Hoverter, MS, RD said…
Swimming is wonderful, I love swimming and I think you do too but it can be hard on the ankle- not intuitive right? I know, I've had an ankle injury for years that no one could ever make right. All the tests said there was something wrong but no one knows what. The thing about swimming is that you are so concerned about not drowning and breathing when you are suppose to breath and moving you arms in the right motion that you forget that you ankle is hurt and flick it out in a kick, and then wham, pain. I'm not saying don't do it, I'm saying be consious of this.
Another form of exercise I recommend is Pilates. It's all about control and slow movement and strenthening the core. I just got a video and follow along with that. It's doesn't jar you and it can actually help with back problems because it re-aligns you body.
And as for the compulsive exercise, I know you can come up with a reasonable schedule so you don't over-do it. Just take it one day at a time and if you over-do it one day, try not to over-do it the next day.
At 4/20/2005 10:54 PM,
toni said…
A very wise person said two things to me on this matter:
a) I don't "exercise" as a separate activity anymore.
b) you know what your post reminded me of? This paragraph from Operating Instructions:
"I saw myself sipping a small and lovely glass of good Scotch. The problem is that I have never sipped a drink in my life. I'm more of a swiller. I did not sip beer at twelve years old, I did not sip drinks at twenty. I didn't even sip the barium milkshake I had to take when I was thirty and getting an ulcer; I swilled it."
I figured if your words reminded me of those words, than exercise was probably not something you could do in moderation without some really bad shit happening.
At 4/21/2005 11:42 AM,
Jess said…
I think not exercising as a separate activity is a good idea. But, you do love running, even though you can't do it right now. I don't know. Just rambling.
At 4/21/2005 9:53 PM,
Anonymous said…
You sound not quite ready. You doubt yourself. And when you're ready, you'll know it. And you'll get there.
I find moderate exercise a very interesting consept and a hard balance to achieve. I error on the side of too little exercise, because of the idea that it can spin out of control. I wish there were rules about how to make good choices. A couple examples: 1. You get to bed late and think about skipping your morning trip to the gym. A good idea because then you'll still get a good amount of sleep, which is a great way to start your day. A bad idea because you're not exercising like you planned. 2. You're not feeling well. It seems like the beginning of a cold. Do you go to the gym and risk increasing the chances of getting sick by running yourself down? Or take the day off, get a little extra rest and relaxation to keep yourself from getting all the way sick. 3. Something really fun comes up. Period. What kind of thing should you allow to get in the way of your exercise routine? Writing this I realize that you should go by the same rules you have been following for other activites. Would you go to work under these conditions? Would you still meet a friend for lunch? Although exercise is certainly more of a strain on your body than those things...
Town, I'm glad you're sharing.
At 4/21/2005 9:56 PM,
Anonymous said…
concept. there's no way to go back and fix a typo.
At 5/21/2005 3:29 PM,
Anonymous said…
On a totally different topic, I just got a thought about all this medical experience you've been getting. You don't "remember" but you know that you spent your first months of life doing this. In the first weeks it was every day. And people were tense about it, including me. You are learning so much about how to use the medical system from an empowered standpoint, and I can only think that it is healing the early months experiences. We are offered all the experiences to heal EVERYTHING we need to heal. The opportunity to heal the compulsivenss about exercise is or will be here for you also. That's just the way it works, no other options. You may recognize the opportunity when it comes, or you may just notice some day that the compulsion is gone.
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