being alone

I'm feeling really lonely right now. And that's hard. It's hard to deal with, hard to sit through, hard to figure out, hard to understand, hard to put up with, hard to feel. Although, as I was just saying to a friend - my life could be a lot worse. I can say with some certainty that loneliness is the worst thing in my life these days. And while it is hard (see above) I know that lots of people have much harder things in their lives. Okay, perspective gotten... Doesn't make me feel much better.

What's especially puzzling about my loneliness is that I have tons of friends. I mean, I'm not bragging, but I've lived in this town for most of my life and I know people. Lots of them. All ages. I went for a walk with one of them this morning. Then had lunch with another one. Then emailed two others while I hung out at the coffee shop this afternoon. Then met another one at another coffee shop. Then went to a meeting with a bunch more of them. Then went to another meeting with two more of them. Then found myself watching some police action with another one, and then sharing pizza. Then another one came over. Plus phone calls with two or three or four more. Just today. I do have friends. I know that. I see them, talk to them, interact with them, stay current with them. So... What's the problem?

I worry that I'll live alone for ever. I worry that I've lived alone for too long now, and it's too late. I'm a goner. I'm already so set in my ways that I'm incompatible. With everyone. Forever. Maybe I could have a dog. But forget it about humans. I worry that I've given up the amazing living situations that I've had in the past - not even knowing how great it was until it was gone.

It's hard for me to figure out what I'm lonely for. And what to do with it. The loneliness, I mean. It sneaks up on me. And when it's here it's big. It's pretty consuming. One disturbing side effect is that I quickly get snippy and snappy and snotty and mean. I summon up some deep rooted bitterness about people who have what I want. And I'm snide and crabby with them. I don't want to be like that. I really don't want to make other people feel cruddy just because I do. And besides, that's not nice.

I want a way for me to be happy and you to be happy and everyone to be happy. Right. I know. I get it. Life's not like that. That's okay with me. But I just think there's gotta be something for me to learn here. I mean, this keeps coming up. Since... when? Since I left that great house in Portland over two years ago. I miss you girls. Women. That was great, huh?