i don't know
i've been very weepy lately. like, everything makes me cry. kids in church. graduation announcements. strangers' blogs. i've been tearing up for most of a week.
concurrently, my response to "are you nervous about your surgery?" has been changing. people have been asking me that for awhile. and the answer was always, "no." or sometimes, "no, not the surgery. i'm worried about the afterwards." y'all, my faithful readers, might remember that. i was blogging about that worry a lot awhile ago. i was worried that i'd be helpless for a long time and all alone. i was worried that the wrong people would want to help me in the wrong ways and the right people wouldn't even care about me. i was worried that i would be all alone with nothing to do and very bored.
that worry faded. so many people have promised to help. and a dear friend even volunteered to rally my pals and coordinate meals and things like that. i was reassured. i know i'll be fine. there will be people to drive me to appointments, and people to make food for me.
but i've noticed that in the last couple days i can't answer that question with such a strong no. i think i'm starting to worry about this surgery. it's getting closer. and i'm scared. i don't like the idea of my body being cut open. even if it's just my ankle. yesterday someone showed me her 9 month old scar from a very similar surgery. and she told me about how having this surgery was the worst thing ever in her life. and just leaving her apartment was such an awful chore that she didn't do it. and i told her i didn't want to hear about it. but she kept telling me.
so now i'm worried some about the surgery itself. about how long i'll be unable to do the things i want to do. i only have four more mornings to wake up and ask myself, "would you like to go for a walk before work, or do you want to sleep for another hour?" beginning on friday neither walking or working will be an option. and as nice as limitless sleep time sounds... i want more of a life than that.
i'm worried about how dependent i'll be. i'm extremely grateful that someone is scheduling helpers for me - but it all feels so out of my control. i realized tonight that i'm terrified about that part. it's so scary to think that i won't be able to just do what i want to do. that i'll need someone to do my laundry for me, because i can't carry it down to the basement.
it's such an interesting mix of independence and intense social connection that i thrive on. that's what i'm realizing. it's not that i like to be alone and do everything on my own. i love spending lots of time with people. i love helping and being helped. but i also love being able to do things myself - go where i want to go when i want to go there. i like not having to tell anyone where i'm going or what i'm doing. unless i want to.
and i'm going to lose that.
so it's kind of ironic. because i spent so much time in the past few months worrying about being alone after surgery. and now i'm worried about being too not alone. someone used the word brat today, in reference to me not wanting to accept help. i don't think i'm a brat. i think it's okay for me to be whereever i am with this. and right now i'm scared. i don't want to do this. i don't want my life to change. i don't like not knowing what it's going to be like. everyone has such different opinions about what recovery time will look like. some people make it sound like it's going to be a piece of cake, that i'll be zooming around town on the bus, sacrificing no independence at all. however, it's those people who really know what they're talking about (the woman yesterday who showed me her scar, my friend who is a podiatrist, my friend whose husband has had similar surgeries) who tell me that i shouldn't expect to do anything (ANYTHING) for a week. at least. and then not really much at all for weeks more.
goodness.
i don't like that i won't be able to walk. i'm scared that i won't be able to run again. i hate that i haven't been able to run for over a year now. i don't the idea of giving up monday and friday trips to the library. even though i know i'll be able to do that again at some point. i know i won't be doing that next monday. i want my normal life to continue. change really scares me.
NEW TOPIC. Which is kind of related, as it turns out.
I go back and forth about if I like living alone or if I want to live with others. Tonight I'm thinking I want to live with others. I spent the evening at a friend's house, and kept wishing I lived there. How great it would be to have people to hang out with. Built it. I get lonely at home. Even though I go out and see people lots. Even though people come over and visit. Even though I'm on the phone practically always. It would be great to have people at home. Because here I am - at home - alone - not sleeping because I don't want to be alone right now.
Anne Lamott says to write at least 300 words every day. Even if none of it is good. A writer has to keep writing. So here's more than 3 days worth. And I'm not impressed with any of it. I'm hoping that in the next two months when I'm not working I'll have time to work on writing.
concurrently, my response to "are you nervous about your surgery?" has been changing. people have been asking me that for awhile. and the answer was always, "no." or sometimes, "no, not the surgery. i'm worried about the afterwards." y'all, my faithful readers, might remember that. i was blogging about that worry a lot awhile ago. i was worried that i'd be helpless for a long time and all alone. i was worried that the wrong people would want to help me in the wrong ways and the right people wouldn't even care about me. i was worried that i would be all alone with nothing to do and very bored.
that worry faded. so many people have promised to help. and a dear friend even volunteered to rally my pals and coordinate meals and things like that. i was reassured. i know i'll be fine. there will be people to drive me to appointments, and people to make food for me.
but i've noticed that in the last couple days i can't answer that question with such a strong no. i think i'm starting to worry about this surgery. it's getting closer. and i'm scared. i don't like the idea of my body being cut open. even if it's just my ankle. yesterday someone showed me her 9 month old scar from a very similar surgery. and she told me about how having this surgery was the worst thing ever in her life. and just leaving her apartment was such an awful chore that she didn't do it. and i told her i didn't want to hear about it. but she kept telling me.
so now i'm worried some about the surgery itself. about how long i'll be unable to do the things i want to do. i only have four more mornings to wake up and ask myself, "would you like to go for a walk before work, or do you want to sleep for another hour?" beginning on friday neither walking or working will be an option. and as nice as limitless sleep time sounds... i want more of a life than that.
i'm worried about how dependent i'll be. i'm extremely grateful that someone is scheduling helpers for me - but it all feels so out of my control. i realized tonight that i'm terrified about that part. it's so scary to think that i won't be able to just do what i want to do. that i'll need someone to do my laundry for me, because i can't carry it down to the basement.
it's such an interesting mix of independence and intense social connection that i thrive on. that's what i'm realizing. it's not that i like to be alone and do everything on my own. i love spending lots of time with people. i love helping and being helped. but i also love being able to do things myself - go where i want to go when i want to go there. i like not having to tell anyone where i'm going or what i'm doing. unless i want to.
and i'm going to lose that.
so it's kind of ironic. because i spent so much time in the past few months worrying about being alone after surgery. and now i'm worried about being too not alone. someone used the word brat today, in reference to me not wanting to accept help. i don't think i'm a brat. i think it's okay for me to be whereever i am with this. and right now i'm scared. i don't want to do this. i don't want my life to change. i don't like not knowing what it's going to be like. everyone has such different opinions about what recovery time will look like. some people make it sound like it's going to be a piece of cake, that i'll be zooming around town on the bus, sacrificing no independence at all. however, it's those people who really know what they're talking about (the woman yesterday who showed me her scar, my friend who is a podiatrist, my friend whose husband has had similar surgeries) who tell me that i shouldn't expect to do anything (ANYTHING) for a week. at least. and then not really much at all for weeks more.
goodness.
i don't like that i won't be able to walk. i'm scared that i won't be able to run again. i hate that i haven't been able to run for over a year now. i don't the idea of giving up monday and friday trips to the library. even though i know i'll be able to do that again at some point. i know i won't be doing that next monday. i want my normal life to continue. change really scares me.
NEW TOPIC. Which is kind of related, as it turns out.
I go back and forth about if I like living alone or if I want to live with others. Tonight I'm thinking I want to live with others. I spent the evening at a friend's house, and kept wishing I lived there. How great it would be to have people to hang out with. Built it. I get lonely at home. Even though I go out and see people lots. Even though people come over and visit. Even though I'm on the phone practically always. It would be great to have people at home. Because here I am - at home - alone - not sleeping because I don't want to be alone right now.
Anne Lamott says to write at least 300 words every day. Even if none of it is good. A writer has to keep writing. So here's more than 3 days worth. And I'm not impressed with any of it. I'm hoping that in the next two months when I'm not working I'll have time to work on writing.
posted by toni @ 11:28 PM
5 Comments:
At 6/06/2005 7:33 AM,
Autumn Hoverter, MS, RD said…
This is going to sound harsh but you are giving worry way too much power in your life. People are resilient (sp?) and change with their circumstances. A day or two after the surgery you aren't really going to remember what your life was like before the surgery, you are just going to get up and do it. I mean, you will remember but it will have a dream like quality. You will do what you have to do to heal. Period. Things will be fine. If you worry about every possible permutation of the future every single day, you can't experience today.
At 6/06/2005 7:48 AM,
toni said…
I know. And I'm not a person who worries - 95% of the time. Really. I really deeply trust that things will work out how they need to - about almost everything almost all the time.
But when I am worried, I know it's better to talk about it than pretend it's not there. And then usually I can let go.
I don't know why I felt like I needed to defend myself.
Thanks for the reminder, Autumn. Yes, I do know I'm going to be fine.
At 6/06/2005 11:24 AM,
Autumn Hoverter, MS, RD said…
Well, talk away. Hope that wasn't an offensive comment. I'm a worrier and sometimes it helps to have someone else tell me that worrying is taking over. Comment meant to help, not hurt. Surgery is scary and life is scary and change is scary.
At 6/06/2005 12:28 PM,
toni said…
thanks, again Autumn. it's good to get lots of perspective. and, yes, i agree - worrying can take up all of a person's energy. and that's not good.
that isn't where i am with this though. i'm worrying a little, and talking about it lots, and also knowing that i'll be fine. but it's still a bit scary.
At 6/07/2005 8:55 AM,
Jess said…
I just got Plan B. I'll be ready to start reading whenever you want. I hope the worry calms down a little bit. I hate worrying about something that's beyond your control. Well, I hate worrying about something when it's within my control to fix it, too, because then I have responsibility.
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