thinking about it more

Travel. Those of you who know me - know that I'm not a big fan. In fact I pretty much hate it. And avoid it as much as possible.

I'm curious where this aversion came from. And if I need to keep it anymore.

I can remember back to being a kid when family trips were fun. Camping at Sol Duc hotsprings. Often. Which is where, at age 9, I met Anne who has been my pen pal ever since. Who I went and visited when I was 20, who came and visited me when I was 21. Who, for the past 15 years - has been given every secret detail of my life in letter form. So, I remember the camping trip when her family (from Chicago) was at the next spot over.

I remember going to Hawaii with my family when I was 13. I had a lovely time. But the Trip Hate had started to set in by that point - because I remember not wanting to go.

Wait. Back up. I can think of an even earlier bad travel memory. I was nine, perhaps it was the same summer I met Anne. But just later in the summer. Or maybe I was 10. Anyway - my mom, her mom, my sister, and my cousin and I went on a long, slow, winding road trip to Nebraska and back. Parts were fun. We saw some neat things. We met some of grandma's family. But the long, hot car were bad. And I knew I'd hate it before I even went. I remember a conversation with my mom that went something like this:
Little Toni: I can't go.
Mom: Well, we're all going to be leaving.
LT: Well, I can't go with you. I refuse to go with you. I know I'll hate it.
M: You're welcome to find some friends to stay with while we're gone, if you really don't want to go.
LT thinks about it - and knows she doesn't want to be left out.
LT: What I really need is a trailer that just I can ride in that we can pull behind the van. I don't want to ride with y'all.
M: Well, um, sure - why don't you get yourself one of those.
So... I went on the trip. And even if I might have liked it, I had to hate parts of it just to be right.

So, anyway, then there was Hawaii when I was 13. I remember dreading it. I'm not even sure why. And Sarah said she'd gladly go in my place. Which probably would have been fine with me. Of course I have to tell you that I had a great time and wasn't even very bratty at all on that trip - but it was HAWAII so of course I had a great time.

The best I can figure is that I just don't like being away from home. I like my own, familiar home. I like my own, familiar routines. I like my own, familiar food. I like regular contact with my friends. I like things to stay the same. I'm not adventurous or daring - at least not in these ways.

As I got older, I know I got harder to travel with. Because mix teenager with Trip Hate and you get a huge pain in the butt.

When I was 18, in August, just before I was about to leave all my friends for good and go off to college - I got plucked away by my horrible, mean, heartless family for a week or so at the Shakespeare Festival in Ashland, Oregon. I had this boyfriend at the time, who I hadn't seen much all summer (thanks to lots of stupid trips, some mine & some his) and who I was about to leave for good. (Little did I know that even if I went off to college and then broke up with him about a month later - he wouldn't be out of my life for good - but rather, he would start dating my roommate who he met when he was down visiting me when he was my boyfriend - and continue to come down often to visit her and eventually get her to move to his city.) I wanted to be with him and not on that trip. And I also had all these great friends. Who I couldn't even stand to think about leaving - who I didn't want to be seperated from at all that summer, since I was about to leave them for good. (Little did I know that even all that time apart at our seperate colleges could never darken these friendships.) I was super pissed at my family for making me be there. And I was mean. I remember feeling really bad about being mean to my sister - because mean to my sister is really something I hate being. But aparently I hate it just slightly less than I hate traveling. Sis and I made up nicely in the car on the way home, but I swore I'd never go on another family vacation again.

And I haven't.

And I still think that's a good idea.

But I'm just curious about finding a way that I could like traveling.

I know a few people who I like being on trips with. (Notice, I didn't say that I like going on trips with them - but once I'm there I generally like being on trips with them.)

My friend Emma and I are planning a trip to Italy. I think we're thinking Summer of 2007. Which is hopefully enough time for me to give this some more thought - and figure out how I can get myself to love that trip.

Because more than anything I want to learn Italian.