a little more fluid

thinking about it more

Travel. Those of you who know me - know that I'm not a big fan. In fact I pretty much hate it. And avoid it as much as possible.

I'm curious where this aversion came from. And if I need to keep it anymore.

I can remember back to being a kid when family trips were fun. Camping at Sol Duc hotsprings. Often. Which is where, at age 9, I met Anne who has been my pen pal ever since. Who I went and visited when I was 20, who came and visited me when I was 21. Who, for the past 15 years - has been given every secret detail of my life in letter form. So, I remember the camping trip when her family (from Chicago) was at the next spot over.

I remember going to Hawaii with my family when I was 13. I had a lovely time. But the Trip Hate had started to set in by that point - because I remember not wanting to go.

Wait. Back up. I can think of an even earlier bad travel memory. I was nine, perhaps it was the same summer I met Anne. But just later in the summer. Or maybe I was 10. Anyway - my mom, her mom, my sister, and my cousin and I went on a long, slow, winding road trip to Nebraska and back. Parts were fun. We saw some neat things. We met some of grandma's family. But the long, hot car were bad. And I knew I'd hate it before I even went. I remember a conversation with my mom that went something like this:
Little Toni: I can't go.
Mom: Well, we're all going to be leaving.
LT: Well, I can't go with you. I refuse to go with you. I know I'll hate it.
M: You're welcome to find some friends to stay with while we're gone, if you really don't want to go.
LT thinks about it - and knows she doesn't want to be left out.
LT: What I really need is a trailer that just I can ride in that we can pull behind the van. I don't want to ride with y'all.
M: Well, um, sure - why don't you get yourself one of those.
So... I went on the trip. And even if I might have liked it, I had to hate parts of it just to be right.

So, anyway, then there was Hawaii when I was 13. I remember dreading it. I'm not even sure why. And Sarah said she'd gladly go in my place. Which probably would have been fine with me. Of course I have to tell you that I had a great time and wasn't even very bratty at all on that trip - but it was HAWAII so of course I had a great time.

The best I can figure is that I just don't like being away from home. I like my own, familiar home. I like my own, familiar routines. I like my own, familiar food. I like regular contact with my friends. I like things to stay the same. I'm not adventurous or daring - at least not in these ways.

As I got older, I know I got harder to travel with. Because mix teenager with Trip Hate and you get a huge pain in the butt.

When I was 18, in August, just before I was about to leave all my friends for good and go off to college - I got plucked away by my horrible, mean, heartless family for a week or so at the Shakespeare Festival in Ashland, Oregon. I had this boyfriend at the time, who I hadn't seen much all summer (thanks to lots of stupid trips, some mine & some his) and who I was about to leave for good. (Little did I know that even if I went off to college and then broke up with him about a month later - he wouldn't be out of my life for good - but rather, he would start dating my roommate who he met when he was down visiting me when he was my boyfriend - and continue to come down often to visit her and eventually get her to move to his city.) I wanted to be with him and not on that trip. And I also had all these great friends. Who I couldn't even stand to think about leaving - who I didn't want to be seperated from at all that summer, since I was about to leave them for good. (Little did I know that even all that time apart at our seperate colleges could never darken these friendships.) I was super pissed at my family for making me be there. And I was mean. I remember feeling really bad about being mean to my sister - because mean to my sister is really something I hate being. But aparently I hate it just slightly less than I hate traveling. Sis and I made up nicely in the car on the way home, but I swore I'd never go on another family vacation again.

And I haven't.

And I still think that's a good idea.

But I'm just curious about finding a way that I could like traveling.

I know a few people who I like being on trips with. (Notice, I didn't say that I like going on trips with them - but once I'm there I generally like being on trips with them.)

My friend Emma and I are planning a trip to Italy. I think we're thinking Summer of 2007. Which is hopefully enough time for me to give this some more thought - and figure out how I can get myself to love that trip.

Because more than anything I want to learn Italian.

my new schedule

it's amazing the number of people who have called or emailed me - encouraging me to start blogging again. and i agree - blogging is a great way to stay in touch with people. i enjoy reading friends' blogs. i enjoy having friends read mine and comment on it. it's an easy way to keep up on other people's lives.

i'm in my sixth week of "not working" now. and while sometimes i'm bored and depressed and lonely and feel quite purposeless - i really can't imagine going back to work. i don't know if i will. i'm still busy enough with sensaria - but it's stuff that i can do on my own schedule, in my pajamas, on a blanket in the front yard, whatever. i love that.

i don't have to wake up at any certain time.

but i still do. because. well, those of you who know me, you know me. i like to wake up early.

but i do have something new and exciting. well, not really new. but something old that reemerged. i started using a different alarm clock. and it REALLY makes ALL the difference. my old alarm clock was so harsh and jarring. quite day ruining, really. that sound made me want to scream. i never wanted to snooze, because then i'd have to hear that awful noise again. but i recently started using this old travel alarm clock which someone gave me to take to ecuador with me - because it doesn't give off any light and i really like sleeping in complete darkness. besides the fact that it doesn't give off any light - this alarm is quite plesant. i don't mind it at all. in fact, i don't mind at all hitting the snooze button twenty or thirty times. seriously.

i remember in ecuador, i pretty much always woke up before my alarm clock. i had a horrible time sleeping there, and always wanted to get up as soon as possible. i always had such a hard time falling asleep. i remember laying in that really hard and uncomfortable bed, in that really cold room, being really sad and homesick and awake for much of the night. every night. and then at some point i'd fall asleep. and have awful dreams. every night. not just regular bad dreams. but awful dreams that drained every bit of energy and optimism and hope right out of me. i would wake up emotionally exhausted and really, really sad. the dreams were always incredibly sad. so i remember waking up and looking at that little alarm clock thinking to myself, "well, it's only 4:30 am, i should probably stay in bed a bit longer - but i just can't stand any more of that horrible sleep."

i think i read a lot.

and then i remember being in class and being so, so tired because i hardly slept. i remember the effort that it took just to hold up my head being too much. let alone think. let alone "walk" to and from school - 40 nearly sprinting minutes each way - four times every day. somehow i did it. no wonder i had so little energy left to speak spanish with my host family. that's the one thing about that trip that i kind of regret. i try not to regret it because i know i was doing the best i could. but it's sad that i didn't talk more. it's sad because not talking is what kept me feeling so isolated and homesick. and it's also sad because my host family was amazing. really great people. and i would have loved to get to know them better. but i just couldn't.

i think they saw that. and being the great people they were, they loved me a lot and accepted me exactly as i was. i know they wished that i talked more, but they didn't give me a hard time about it. and they always included me in everything, and had a few huge family dinners in my honor - and they talked to me plenty knowing that i understood everything even if i was too scared to talk.

so that's what i thought of as my alarm clock went off this morning. and i said to myself, "toni, you might as well blog about that. just to get back in the habit. if nothing else."

100 things

things that have made me happy this week:
1. sitting outside with my tea & journal in my pajamas this morning, enjoying the sun & air
2. talking to my dear friend lis
3. enough sleep
4. lots of generous rides from friends
5. the kids across the street coming over to play in my yard & show me their tricks
6. being able to walk
7. cinnamon raisin toast with jam
8. lots of sun
9. roses
10. a spa party with a great group of women
11. having lived in this town so long & knowing lots of people everywhere i go
12. friends who don't judge me - no matter what shocking stories i tell them
13. new friends
14. lunch at my favorite restaurant - twice - and the waitress saying, "hey, you're off the crutches! cool!"
15. getting compliments like, "you know, you're one of those people around town who i don't know very well but i would always love to hang out with you and i'm sure we'd be really compatible friends."
16. holding a baby
17. interesting text messages from friends
18. my laptop - so i can do this outside
19. strawberry/watermelon gum!
20. someone telling me to cheer up & blog about things that make me happy

things i've been wanting to do for awhile:
21. a list of 100 things
22. run
23. have a baby
24. finish my masters degree
25. have enough time
26. check everything off my To Do list
27. throw away the To Do list
28. run
29. read all the books on my coffee table
30. live with a dishwasher

things that have not made me happy this week:
31. not being able to drive
32. not getting even CLOSE to enough sleep
33. people not returning phone calls
34. feeling purposeless - after 5 weeks of not working
35. too many phone calls on my To Do list
36. seeing people running
37. hearing about my friends running (just kidding gals, i've pretty much gotten over that)
38. people giving unsolicited advice
39. some other stuff...
40. not being able to drive

my favorite things about summer:
41. lots of daylight
42. kids playing in the neighborhood
43. warm weather
44. sun dresses
45. swimming (although, that's pretty much out for me this summer)

facts:
46. today i'm wearing shorts for the first time this year
47. my sister is in costa rica - and i wonder how she's doing
48. i was not impressed with the Lakefair Parade yesterday
49. i've been really into YA books for the past year or so - especially Lois Lowry's and the traveling pants books.
50. i've visited alaska at least 20 times
51. i started this blog because i wanted to display my picture of the day
52. and because jess talked me into it
53. and because i thought it would make me write more
54. but i ended up not liking what it did to me and writing
55. so i took a break
56. and i'm not necessarily saying that the break is over now
57. so don't get your hopes up
58. one reason i stopped blogging for awhile is that it takes up so much time
59. and once i start writing blog entries, then i have to start reading everyone elses
60. and sometimes that makes me stay up very late
61. i know you all have different guidelines about how public you are with your blog - and i've mostly always been really willing to tell people about it
62. but then what if i want to write about something that i don't want everyone to read?
63. i haven't worked for five weeks now
64. except for Sensaria stuff and a bit of babysitting
65. i don't really like fireworks - because i can never stop thinking about how much they pollute
66. sometimes people think i'm much older than i am, sometimes they think i'm much younger
67. i think i act old and look young
68. i'm very afraid of house fires
69. i wish i was an artist
70. i want to write a book
71. i don't want to go back to work
72. i might not
73. i've been to more medical appointments in the past 14 months than in the entire 23 years before that
74. and i haven't been sick once
75. just two injuries
76. i really like talking on the phone
77. i really like hanging out with friends
78. thanks to one of those injuries - i've been getting weekly massages for 8 months now - and i will be very sad when that's over
79. i loved reading the Little House books when i was a girl
80. i really like pickles and olives
81. and ice cream
82. i LOVE swimming in the ocean
83. i hate alarm clocks
84. i hate sleeping in
85. i wish i could sleep in
86. i wish i never had to sleep
87. i like staying friends with people for a long, long time
88. most of my friends are named elizabeth - or some variation
89. i'm taking a break from going to the library (sorry libary girl) but before my break i went twice every single week for over a year
90. i worry that people don't like me
91. i don't really have secrets
92. sometimes i think i shoud keep a few more secrets than i do
93. i have sewed five quilts in the past five years
94. and zero before that
95. other people's lists are often interesting, i'm concerned that this one will be boring
96. i really like buying clothes, especially shoes
97. i'm really working on not buying clothes i won't like, because often i do that
98. i know more people on this street that i've lived on for less than five months than i've ever known in my neighborhood before
99. i've drank much less water this past week than i usually do
100. i want to learn italian

waiting (07.16.05)

blah (07.15.05)

blah (07.14.05)

blah (07.13.05)

nothing to lose (07.12.05)

Sensaria friends (07.11.05)

recognition (07.10.05)

first steps (07.09.05)

Juneau friends (07.08.05)

POTD inspiration (07.07.05)

the height of my vacation activity (07.06.05)

and she knitted wrist bands! (07.05.05)

marching along on the sidelines (07.04.05)

i knitted a poncho (07.03.05)

progress (07.02.05)

"yes, I think I DO need a bear." (07.01.05)

a new idea

so, i can't write here anymore.

i'm planning on posting Picture O' Day still - but not daily. I mean, I'll still take them daily, and then upload when i feel like it.

enjoy.

my best friend (06.30.05)

all good things must come to an end

is this blog one of them?

i don't know.

when i first started, i wasn't sure what i thought. i was worried that writting would be cheepened by putting it in this form. i was worried that i'd write less or that the quality of my writting would slip.

and, my friends, i'd say all of the above has happened.

i gave it a shot.

and maybe now i'm done.

i hardly even have it in me to continue the POTD.

weird, how many things suddenly seem less important. writing, blogging, walking, driving, bathing. i don't do those things anymore. oh well.