a little more fluid: February 2005

Too awake, yet not awake enough

sleep (02.28.05)

Sleep has really been not happening as much as I'd like. I'm busy, overwhelmed, hurried, scattered, sometimes jittery, and WORN OUT. Any ideas?

Less than perfect

I'm drinking a little bit of Diet Dr Pepper. That seems SO inappropriate to be doing this early in the day, I thought I should tell people about it.

They're not my clothes. Really. (02.27.05)

Learning not to hit

Last week I spent a day working for a friend in her in-home childcare.

The characters:
Benjamin is almost four, has a two month old brother, and test limits a lot – including hitting.
Greta is five, very meek and mild mannered, and goes to kindergarten in the morning and childcare in the afternoon.
Caleb is five, and also goes to kindergarten and then childcare.

There was lots of big, rough, outside play going on. Most of it was fine: crashing big trucks into each other and the like. Then Benjamin did some hitting.

“You have to stop hitting, Benjamin, before you go to kindergarten,” Greta says in a very knowing voice, “or you’ll have to go to the principal’s office… and you MIGHT have to stay ALL DAY. And,” she shakes her finger at him, “that’s NO FUN!”

Then Caleb looks at me and in the kind of voice one uses to say “We’ve tried everything but we just can’t seem to house train this dog,” and says, “It seems like Benjamin is going to grow up to rob banks.”

Caleb thinks for a moment, then adds, “You don’t want to rob a bank because then you have to go to Northern Kansas.”

I flip through my memory, wondering if there’s some big prison in Northern Kansas, and ask, “What’s in Northern Kansas?”

Caleb looks at me with a 'DUH!' expression, and says, “Tornados! Don’t you know that?”

mundane (02.26.05)

The way we look. What we see.

I have a friend who, in 2003, took a picture each day. (Or more.) She called it Photo of the Day. Full of spirit, she would come into a room and proclaim, "Photo of the Day!!" as she took a picture. I admired so many things about her and her picture taking habits. Sometime in 2004 I got to see the album - 365 pictures that logged and recorded, reported 2003. Huge variety. Her garden taken from her front door. Lots of her dog. Amazing outdoor adventures. Dear friends.

Spending January 2nd, 2005 with said friend I thought to myself - Toni, why doncha give that a try?

So I'm doing it.

With unexpected results. My eyes are different. My 2005 eyes are always looking for beauty and wonder, curiosity and joy. Silliness and genuineness. Art. Now everything is art in a whole new way.

As 2005 was beginning I wondered what my pictures would capture. A friend said she'd probably take lots of pictures of her kitties. I don't have cats. I'd like a dog. That means I don't have one yet. At the time my most exciting new acquire was a laptop. And as you may have noticed the laptop was the P.O.T.D. once. But just once. I've surprised myself by finding variety and complexity I didn't see before.

Today I went grocery shopping. And found art.

that's my mom (02.25.05)

being alone

I'm feeling really lonely right now. And that's hard. It's hard to deal with, hard to sit through, hard to figure out, hard to understand, hard to put up with, hard to feel. Although, as I was just saying to a friend - my life could be a lot worse. I can say with some certainty that loneliness is the worst thing in my life these days. And while it is hard (see above) I know that lots of people have much harder things in their lives. Okay, perspective gotten... Doesn't make me feel much better.

What's especially puzzling about my loneliness is that I have tons of friends. I mean, I'm not bragging, but I've lived in this town for most of my life and I know people. Lots of them. All ages. I went for a walk with one of them this morning. Then had lunch with another one. Then emailed two others while I hung out at the coffee shop this afternoon. Then met another one at another coffee shop. Then went to a meeting with a bunch more of them. Then went to another meeting with two more of them. Then found myself watching some police action with another one, and then sharing pizza. Then another one came over. Plus phone calls with two or three or four more. Just today. I do have friends. I know that. I see them, talk to them, interact with them, stay current with them. So... What's the problem?

I worry that I'll live alone for ever. I worry that I've lived alone for too long now, and it's too late. I'm a goner. I'm already so set in my ways that I'm incompatible. With everyone. Forever. Maybe I could have a dog. But forget it about humans. I worry that I've given up the amazing living situations that I've had in the past - not even knowing how great it was until it was gone.

It's hard for me to figure out what I'm lonely for. And what to do with it. The loneliness, I mean. It sneaks up on me. And when it's here it's big. It's pretty consuming. One disturbing side effect is that I quickly get snippy and snappy and snotty and mean. I summon up some deep rooted bitterness about people who have what I want. And I'm snide and crabby with them. I don't want to be like that. I really don't want to make other people feel cruddy just because I do. And besides, that's not nice.

I want a way for me to be happy and you to be happy and everyone to be happy. Right. I know. I get it. Life's not like that. That's okay with me. But I just think there's gotta be something for me to learn here. I mean, this keeps coming up. Since... when? Since I left that great house in Portland over two years ago. I miss you girls. Women. That was great, huh?

unexpected growth (02.24.05)

What inspires me and where will we go?

Me and my inspiration, I mean. Where will we go?

I want to write. I mean, I do write. But until now I've been fairly private. Sometimes professors get to see it. Sometimes friends. Mostly not. Mostly I write in my journal. But I've dreamed for quite awhile about publishing something. I don't know what. And I don't know when. But it will happen. A book.

I've had lots of inspiration. I got a card recently from a friend that said, "I am reading an interesting book called I am a Pencil about a writer who taught grade school kids in Queens about poetry and story writing. One of the kids wrote:
I am a pencil
ready to write
my life
It made me think of you - get on writing."

So then I bought The Right to Write: An Invitation and Initiation into the Writing Life, by Julia Cameron. And it's on my dining room table. Until I get a chance.

And there's another poem I like, which I seem to have lost. I thought it was by Richard Brautigan, but maybe not. It says something like "I can be alone" or "I know how to be alone." And then there's something at the end like, "By tea light, I write." Jess? Do you know what I'm talking about? Anyone? It's funny calling that poem my inspiration when I can't even find it and don't know who wrote it -but it has inspired me nonetheless.

I worry that writing this blog will detract from writing in my journal. Not on purpose, but that over time I'll just journal less. I hope not. I try not to worry. In general, and about this specifically.

There has been this incredibly beautiful SPRING weather in Olympia lately. I love it. I love sitting in class with the windows open and a warm breeze blowing through. I love the flowers popping up. I love the trees near my house that are yet a bit more blossomy every time I drive past, even if it's only been an hour or two. But what really struck me today was the low coffee shop attendance. At first I couldn't even make sense of it. About 20 vacant seats, prime seats, right smack dab in the middle of a perfectly good caffeine consuming day. Then I realized. They must all be out in the sun. For a walk during lunch break. Or at an outdoor cafe. Good for them.

But I wanted to talk about growth. This morning I woke up when a friend called at 6:35. I reluctantly started my day in my head. A few minutes into the conversation I realized - IT'S THURSDAY! First of all, Thursdays have been my favorite day for at least nine years. Second of all, Thursdays are my day off. I realized it was Thursday, and my mood lifted a bit, around 6:38 this AM. So I made my tea, washed my dishes, slipped on a do-rag, and sat down at my desk. That's when I saw it. I'd mostly given up on this plant. As far as I could tell it was content as is. Felt no need to change or improve itself. Stagnant, even stuck. That's what I thought until this morning. When I saw the new growth. Two light green, tender, fragile new sprouts. I was so excited. I wanted to kiss it - good for you, I should have known you were just waiting for the right time.

Does my desk plant know the growing season is beginning? I wonder that. I've been wondering for awhile about my Christmas Cactus. Somewhere in its little plant being it knows when Christmas time is near and celebrates with abundant pink blossoms. Even though I keep it in the bathroom. With no natural light. And climate control year round. It still knows.

This unexpected plant growth reminded me that humans are the same. We can look totally the same on the outside. We can not even notice that we're taking in sun and water, preparing to produce something amazing. And that's usually how it comes. One day, early one morning, with pajamas still on and tea yet too hot to drink - we see it. Something is totally new and already tentatively taking in water and sun of its own.

Does that help? (02.23.05)

Your Flag Decal Won't Get You Into Heaven Anymore
© John Prine

While digesting Reader's Digest
In the back of a dirty book store,
A plastic flag, with gum on the back,
Fell out on the floor.
Well, I picked it up and I ran outside
Slapped it on my window shield,
And if I could see old Betsy Ross
I'd tell her how good I feel.

Chorus:
But your flag decal won't get you
Into Heaven any more.
They're already overcrowded
From your dirty little war.
Now Jesus don't like killin'
No matter what the reason's for,
And your flag decal won't get you
Into Heaven any more.

Well, I went to the bank this morning
And the cashier he said to me,
"If you join the Christmas club
We'll give you ten of them flags for free.
"Well, I didn't mess around a bit
I took him up on what he said.
And I stuck them stickers all over my car
And one on my wife's forehead.

Repeat Chorus

Well, I got my window shield so filled
With flags I couldn't see.
So, I ran the car upside a curb
And right into a tree.
By the time they got a doctor down
I was already dead.
And I'll never understand why the man
Standing in the Pearly Gates said...

"But your flag decal won't get you
Into Heaven any more.
We're already overcrowded
From your dirty little war.
Now Jesus don't like killin'
No matter what the reason's for,
And your flag decal won't get you
Into Heaven any more."