a little more fluid: June 2005

my best friend (06.30.05)

all good things must come to an end

is this blog one of them?

i don't know.

when i first started, i wasn't sure what i thought. i was worried that writting would be cheepened by putting it in this form. i was worried that i'd write less or that the quality of my writting would slip.

and, my friends, i'd say all of the above has happened.

i gave it a shot.

and maybe now i'm done.

i hardly even have it in me to continue the POTD.

weird, how many things suddenly seem less important. writing, blogging, walking, driving, bathing. i don't do those things anymore. oh well.

she made herself some brownies (06.29.05)

bedtime snack (06.28.05) Jess - what do you think?

granddaughter and grandma (06.27.05)

documentaries. and some more sugar.

Tonight I watched two really great documentaries. The first one is about international adoption. Interviews with three international adoptees (now adults) and their adoptive families. The second one is this.

I'm trying to do more than just let my brian rot during this break from school and work.

Plus, another important thing happened tonight. My across the street neighbors, Mr. Neighbor and Girl Neighbor, brought me some cheesecake. Very sweet of them. Not just one slice. Not just two slices. But really a boy lot of slices. Like 7 or something. MY GOODNESS! What am I supposed to do with all that cheesecake? He said I can share it with my friends. Well, thanks Mr. Neighbor for giving me that permission. But, really - quite a nice thing for a neighbor to do at 9:30pm on a Sunday evening.

To tie these two seemingly unrelated topics together - the first thing Mr. Neighbor said when I opened the door (after him ringing the doorbell about 48 times in the 45 seconds it took for me to get to the door) was, "Are you watching a home movie?" And while I wasn't, actually, watching a home movie - my neighbor was somehow able to detect (from outside my house) that the movie I was watching was not of professional movie quality. Which was the case with Doc #1.

sugar

I ate about 10 Starbursts today. 10 Starbursts aren't a whole boy lot.

(I used to take care of a two year old who taught me that phrase. He'd say things like, "I want a boy lot of oatmeal, please." I think it carried the meanings of "oh boy, that's a lot.")

But it still felt like a lot in my tummy. And it reminded me of the day Sarah moved away. I believe it was that day. That first day Sarah was gone. But maybe it was a day or two later. Devin and I, grief stricken, 16 years old, cut up construction paper and stapled it into loops and made count down chains to count down the days until we'd see Sarah again. We made one for her house and one for mine. And we ate a bag of Starbursts. The entire thing. While we made those chains and missed our friend.

That was a boy lot of Starbursts. And we felt very sick. And I don't think either of us ate any Starbursts for a long time.

summer reading. (06.26.05) i highly recommend this book.

me and my bud (06.25.05)

latte for baby (06.24.05)

Toni called the doctor... (06.23.05)

... and the doctor said...

"Yes, Toni, you can go ahead and take your boot off. And, yes, Toni, you can also take that ACE bandage off. And, yes, Toni, I'd say you can even go without an ACE bandage. You can even wash your foot a little. Then put a sock on, and get that boot back on."

And, as if I haven't heard this enough times, "NO WALKING!"

WHAT HAPPENED BEFORE THAT:
I had a horrible night last night. Painful and wakeful. I've had this terrible, itchy, hot, burny, gooey sensation in my boot. Too moist. My heel was unbareably raw from friction from the ACE bandage and moisture and heat. I absolutely could not handle it. Being the rule following surgery recoverer that I am, I left my boot on just like I was told. But yesterday morning, first thing, upon waking, I had to rip that velcro off and hair dry that sucker. I just couldn't stand it one second longer. Then, last night, I felt like that all night long. I spent the night taking off my boot - laying vigilantly still - putting my boot back on and once again feeling secure - becoming unable to stand the gooey, burning, grating pain - removing the boot - fearing that I'd move my ankle in some Life Ending way - laying vigilantly still... and not sleeping at all. At 3:35 am I wanted to call my doctor. At home. I know her cell phone number. And ask if I could take my boot off. And ask if she'd come over and check it. I really wanted to call her. It's not that I couldn't stand the pain. It was that I couldn't stand the discomfort. I was indescribably uncomfortable.

So this morning I woke up, and called up my dear, sweet doctor and asked her WHAT I SHOULD DO!!!!

No more ACE bandage, she told me?!? Could that be? Is it true? Am I really free from that restrictive, thermogenic wrap of hell??? Unbelievable. I rolled over on my little rolling chair to my sock drawer, testing all my socks against my cheek, trying to find the softest most comforting sock for my weary and abused footsie. I selected the best, and proceeded to remove my boot. Pause with terror. Think of removing the wrap. Fear that my foot would fall off. Lightly, gently, tenderly... remove... the... wrap. Hold my foot perfectly still. Well, what do you know, LOOK AT HOW TIGHTLY THAT WAS WRAPPED!! (See below - no wonder the pain was unsleepthroughable!) And check out that incision. Not too bad. (The blue is the surgeon's drawing, the plan for the incision.) Not even too swollen.

So, wow, today was a big day. As far as the foot goes. Unveiling. Wow. Significant. I fought the urge to call my doctor three or four times more today - just to make sure that the post-wrap-removal pain I'm experiencing isn't concern worthy.

But, relax, Toni. I think it's okay. Ice pack, elevation, things are okay.

i think it was wrapped too tightly

phew (06.22.05) wow. i can see why i so badly need to go to the chiropractor tomorrow. look at that alignment!

a big bag of tricks

it's funny. when i start to take away all the things i do in my life to distract myself from myself - there are always more.

like, i've taken away the busy-ness. i'm no longer busy. but then i fill it up with friendsallthetime. then i take away the friends, get myself a little bit of alone time. but then i fill it up by staying up really late on the computer, until i'm so tired i can't think.

there's always more (ways to fill my time and distract myself) and i'll find it and do it unless i don't. so i'm don't-ing some. i just have to stop. now i'm stopping, getting off the computer.

we'll see what happens.

After midnight, but that doesn't make it tomorrow - does it?

So I'm still going to say it: HAPPY SOLSTICE. I know solstice was technically yesterday. Because today is the 22nd. But when I woke up last it was the 21st, and when I wake up next it will be the 22nd. So that makes today today and tomorrow tomorrow and right now is not tomorrow. Right? So I can say it.

Three years ago, on summer solstice, blissfully enjoying a new relationship, I remember confessing that summer solstice always makes me sad. It's the beginning of the dark. I know that's not what I should be focusing on right now, but that's what it always makes me think of. Longest day of the year. Great. That just means it's downhill from here. Before I know it school starts up again (clearly these are thoughts I've had for awhile, if they're built around the school year) and then fun will end.

What's interesting is that I'm having a summer vacation this year. Seven full weeks off of work. Four entire months off of school! I can't drive - so it's pretty much like being a kid. (I mean, I can't walk, so it's pretty much like being a baby.) But it's kind of like the teenage summer vacation I never had. As a teenager my summers were very busy. I always worked 60-80 hours/week. I woke up early. I was busy busy busy. It wasn't all boring, I was social too. But in a crammed in, tired, nothing is ever enough kind of way. So this summer is different. There's very little I have to do and a lot of time to do it in. I need some time by myself. I'm getting it in little pieces and it's scary and I also know I need more. So I'll take more.

The one thing I've gotten quiet enough to hear myself tell myself this past week is that I need less. Less time with a million different people. And less activities. Less activity. Bingo. I want to deepen relationships with a few people, and trust that I'll be okay if I stop putting so much energy into other relationships.

I just had a lovely, wonderful 72 hours with Jessalynn. We slept a little, ate good breakfasts, late lunches, and late dinners. We talked and talked and talked and talked. About very important things like shoes and balancing mothering with career, things like swearing and my neighbor's personal lives. We read - many books each. Reading parts outloud, discussing, questioning, laughing, crying. We went to B&B today - twice. She met lots of friends of mine she hadn't met before. We ate ice cream, beacause we always do. We wrote. I knitted some. I took a picture every day.

I'm tired, and I'm not going to proof-read.

multitasking (06.21.05) not only is Jessalynn making us pancakes and reading "Expecting Adam," but she is also observing my ever interesting neighbors out the window.

looking beyond (06.20.05) Sometimes progress isn't externally visable. From the outside, my boot looks like it did yesterday. But me and my doctor both know that today she removed my stitches and and said that it looks excellent. This process continues, yet to be unveiled.

This is me and a monkey. Outside of Banos, Ecuador. 2002. Not a great picture because I had to mess with the light a lot to make me and the monkey visable. This is the closest I've ever been to a monkey - and I was ELATED. (I know, my face doesn't really show "elation" but I was.) Also, this is the same place where, a month or two later, I badly cut my hand and required three stitches.

same cousins, same pond, Jamie's graduation party, June 14, 2002

cousins at Dayna's graduation party (06.19.05)

kellan looks like a V

kellan looks like a monkey

some people don't know how to be silly

Sis' graduation party

Just because I have a lot of friends...

The other day my neighbors were in my bedroom (because that's mostly where I stay, so it's where people visit me) and as they were leaving I said, "Okay, now I'll just get back to writing a blog post about my neighbors." They probably thought I was kidding. But I really do blog about them a lot. Here was the first. This was before I really knew them.

Just now I went downstairs to get some dinner. Sometimes I hop instead of crutch. It's easier sometimes. Especially when I want to use my hands. Which I do, when I'm getting some dinner. Even if all I can manage as far as Getting Some Dinner goes is eating cold pizza out of the fridge and some baby carrots. Anyway, my neighbor was standing in his doorway, across the street. And saw me hopping. And started imitating me. His wife says I should take is as a compliment, he only makes fun of people he likes. He makes fun of me all the time. He has two favorite topics. His first is the fact that I'm never home. Doesn't seem very mockable, does it? But he's found a way to hassle me about it. As if I have some obligation to be home, to keep the neighborhood company. When I come home he'll say, "I bet you're leaving in a couple minutes, huh?" Well, he can't use that topic anymore because now that I can't walk or drive or anything I am ALWAYS HOME. Practically. However, now that I'm always home I have a lot of visitors. So that's his new favorite Hassle Toni Topic. So, when he was hopping around in his doorway and making fun of me I hopped over to my doorway and held up a piece of mail and said in a taunting voice, "I have some mail for you..." It worked. He came over. And took his mail. And then he said, "Who's spending the night tonight?" It's a good thing I like my neighbors. I like them a lot. If I didn't like them I would be incredibly creeped out by how nosey they are. They know everything about me. They knew things about me that my best friends of 14 years don't know about me - and they knew these things BEFORE I EVEN MOVED IN! I don't know how. Like I said, if I didn't like them a lot I'd be really creeped out. Anyway, K likes to give me a hard time about having so many friends visit. So I told him my friend Jessalynn is coming up from Portland, and will be spending the night tonight. (That's funny. Just as I typed that she called to say she's on her way.) I hate that he assumes someone is spending the night tonight, and he's RIGHT. I said, in a teenager sort of voice, "It's not like people spend the night every night!!!" And he just smirked and said, "I wish I had a camera." "For all the cars?" "For all the cars." "Did you see the green Jetta last night?" "I did." Maren, my neighbor caught you visiting me.

Really, I really, really like my neighbors. In fact, I'll have to make them POTD one of these days soon.

Yesterday my sister graduated from high school. Today we had a nice, little party for her at the park.