Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin'...

I've been kinda stressed out lately. As some of you may know. Like, kinda a lot. Like, WAY more than usual. It's been hard to deal with and also just a bit weird. Because I don't usually experience that.

I had a few days last week of pretty much completely flipping out, to the point of complete dysfunction. By which I mean - I couldn't function. Like - work, school, sleep, self-feeding. They weren't really happening.

And then yesterday morning I woke up around 5am in a horrible panic attack. After having a terrifying dream about a car accident. I think that just pushed me over the edge. My body is nearly back to normal. (I'm at least getting some answers about what's wrong with my ankle and how it might be fixed, and my back/neck/shoulder problems are resolving fairly well.) And another car accident might just bring me to my breaking point. It's not that I can't handle more pain. Just the distruption. So, anyway, I had this dream about a scary car accident - my biggest fear being that I'd be debilitatingly injured. And then I woke up. Certain that I couldn't have a day. Couldn't get out of bed. Couldn't go to work. Actually couldn't really breathe. That sort of freaked me out. I stayed in bed for an hour or two. Breathing. Working on breathing.

Interestingly enough, my massage therapist said to me a few hours later, "How are you doing with fear about driving?" It was interesting, because she's never asked me that before. But she just happened to ask about it a few hours after all that fear had surfaced. Yeah, driving is scary. Yeah, it feels really dangerous. Yeah, it's hard to trust. And, yeah, I have a life that pretty much requires it. So I do it.

Anyway, the point of this blog is that I'm feeling a little bit of relief. I gave a presentation in my Ethics class yesterday, which is a moderate sized weight off. And I'm making good progress on the paper I'm writing for my Assessment and Treatment Planning class, so I don't have much license to obsess about that anymore. I'm not leaving town every few hours - I'm finally starting to feel at home in my home. And I'm at peace with pretty much all of my personal life.

So today has been good. I had a delicious lunch with my Thursday Lunch Buddy. I got some good work done on the paper I'm writing, while enjoying the scene at my favorite coffeeshop. And then, during my caffiene crash, I came home and took a bath. I don't even like baths. But for some reason it sounded like a really good idea. And it was. Being warm and submerged was great. I read a little. I got out and clipped my toenails. I feel good.

Good bye March and all your stress. Hello April, please bring some levity and delight!

disillusionment (03.31.05) 

good bye bekka (03.30.05) 

A Tribute to Queen B

Today was my last day working with Bekka. Wow. It's surprising when endings just sneak up on me. Last night I was minding my own business, eating some dinner. And then I realized - tommorow's my last day with Bekka. It's surprising when something is so familiar and then it just ends. We've been working in the same program for over two years, and we've been working pretty much side by side approximately 24 hours a week for over a year. That's at least 10,000 hours. Of close proximity. Yeah, that's a lot. Especially in our kind of working, which includes lots of socializing and sometimes gossiping and really knowning one another. In and out. Backwards and forwards. Good days and bad days.

It's surprising when it ends, and I'm not really sure how to say good bye to it.
Here's my attempt.

Things I'll miss about working with Bekka:
1. The grimace/growl/squint/frown/expression-o-the-day that I get first thing in the morning when I say, "Hey Bekka! How're ya doin'?"
2. Coffee breaks
3. Primetime in the daytime
4. Getting poked (Okay, I might not miss that.)
5. Fashion advice, personal dressing service before a date or other important occassion
6. Someone to bitch to. About anything. Constantly.
7. Trips to Taco Bell
8. A loving ear who doesn't judge even after I've gone back to the same bad relationship 57 times
9. Empathy when my shoulder/neck/back hurts
10. Most of all it's the stuff I was blogging about a couple days ago- continuity of relationships. I'm in this groove of MTuW with Bekka. It's familiar. I like it. I'm really going to miss it.

quiet time (03.29.05) 

This came in the mail today. Like this. In a plastic bag (see it? under the envelope) which stated the following: DEAR POSTAL CUSTOMER: The enclosed was found loose in the mails or has been damaged in handling in the Postal Service (whichever is applicable to the enclosure.) We realize your mail is important to you and you have every right to expect it to be delivered intact and in good condition. The Postal Service makes every effort to properly handle the mail entrusted to it but due to the large volume, occassional damage may occur. When a Post Office handles in excess of three million pieces of mail daily, it is imperative that mechanical methods be used to maintain production and ensure prompt delivery of the mails. It is also an actuality that modern production methods do not permit personal attention to individual pieces of mail. Damage can occur if mail is insecurely enveloped or bulky contents are enclosed. When this occurs and our machinery is jammed, it often causes damage to other mail that was properly prepared. We are constantly striving to improve our processing methods to assure that an occurance such as the enclosed can be eliminated. We appreciate your concern over the handling of your mail and sincerely regret the inconvenience you have experienced. 

I DID IT!

1. Finally. The last box is unpacked.

2. My earliest job dream was wanting to be a mail carrier. I still kind of do. Then I wanted to be a child care provider. I still kind of do. And then for a long time I wanted to be a teacher. Not so much anymore. But then, procrastinating the whole getting ready for bed thing just now, I came across this book. Which almost convinced me to be a teacher. Because I LOVE Kevin Henkes. AND THEN I found this book. Which is also exciting. Because Leo Lionni is another favorite. At some point I may have to buy one or both of those. I also see (for all you Kevin Henkes fans) that there is a new Owen book and a new Lilly book. And a new Wemberly book, but I didn't like her much in the first place. While we're on the topic of Henkes and Lionni, I must recommend this book, which Jess recently recommended to me. Sweet and charming. Socially and politically important. A must read.

Getting to know me, getting to know all about me...

Questions from Jess:

1. If you had to make a forever decision right now, would you continue to eat chocolate or not?
Not. Luckily I don't have to make that decision. But if I did, I would decide no more chocolate forever. I feel better in lots of ways when I don't eat chocolate. Here are a few questions I have around that are useful in decision making: a) Does it lead me toward a fuller life or does it confine me? b) Does it bring me closer to my heart or does it take me further away? c) Does it open me or does it close me? d) Does it allow me to trust myself further or does it make me frightened of myself? e) Does it enlarge my life or does it make my life smaller? It may seem silly to use questions like that about chocolate. But it's not. They're useful across the board. And when I ask myself those questions about eating chocolate, it leads me towards not.

2. You were writing down dreams (life dreams, not asleep dreams) the other morning. Care to share any of them?
It's true, I was reading this cheesy dream book. Called Making Your Dreams Come True. I didn't quite get to the part about actually writing down my dreams, I was more in the finding my passion stage. First I was supposed to write down three times in my life that I felt pure excitement and passion. I easily came up with: a) Befriending Katy Mills in 5th grade. b) Holding baby K as he slept. c) Singing, surrounded by old & dear friends, at my family's Christmas party this year. So then I was supposed to look at those three experiences, and find the common thread. Pinpoint what it is that ignites me. I came up with this: connection, knowing and being known, maintaining and sustaining relationships, witnessing humanity. Then I was supposed to use those words to conceptualize my life's purpose. I got this: truly and intimately knowing others and bearing witness to human experience, maintaining long term connections to others, sustaining meaningful relationships. My life's purpose is to truly connect and stay connected to others in relationships that support growth and provide witness.
That said, there's really no way I can justify NOT quitting my current job. Because it does NOT accomplish that purpose.

3. What keeps you at your church? What makes you want to keep going?
For years I kept going to church because of the above. The continuity of relationship. I went because I liked the singing and I liked the community. It was just in the last two or three years that I started to connect on other levels as well. I go to church because it leads me toward a fuller life, brings me closer to my heart, opens me, allows me to trust myself further, and enlarges my life. (It's interesting that you asked me this, Jess, because I've been thinking a lot about church and me this week. Listening to you and Katy and Marianna (sp?) and also my friend Lillie talking about your churches. Made me wonder about me and my church.) I go because I hear about and experience spirituality that's meaningful to me there.

4. What's your favorite thing about your new house?
Favorite. Hmmmm... I could come up with a list. But picking just one is hard. I guess my favorite thing is more an experience than a "thing." It's sitting on my couch with my laptop, watching a movie. Really, that's my favorite. I'm doing it right now. And I didn't do that at my old place.

5. Favorite thing that's purple?
Once again, "favorite" is hard. Purple tulips. That's my favorite.


Wanna be interviewed? Here are the rules:
1. Leave a comment, saying you want to be interviewed.
2. I will respond, and ask you five questions.
3. You'll update your journal with my five questions and your answers.
4. You'll include this explanation.
5. You'll ask people five questions when they want to be interviewed.

jade from molly (03.28.05) 

well stocked, at last (03.27.05) 

a plan for someday

i can't remember when i first started wanting a dog. maybe during childhood. but it was never a huge priority. and my family had cats. not dogs.

it was when i became a runner that a dog really became a priority. as a running partner. that's the main thing i want in a dog. not the only thing, but the main thing. i'm not sure when it will happen. but someday it will.

and emma will help me find the perfect pup for me.

my ideal self (03.26.05) 

good names

willa, finn, patrick, isabela, greta, linden, ella, emily, ellie, julia louise, owen, claire, connor, hannah, alexander, collin, clara, madeline, miles, elizabeth, kyle, isaac, gloria, grace, caroline, betty jo (chendo!), kathryn, adele, julie, jacob, heidi, vera, dallas, alex, jonah, evan, sonja, emma, benjamin.

what do you guys think?

feedback request

it's hard to know who's reading this
and what you're thinking
how well you know me
and how well you're getting to know me

recently a friend emailed me and shared a few things she'd learned about me from my blog:

you are lovelorn for someone you met at 11.
you are rather moody.
you spend A Lot of time doing things with other people.
you exercise compulsively.
you have a thing about divulging the truth, often being indiscretions on your part.
you seek visual beauty.
you seek inspiration in people you admire, or aspects of them that you admire.
you like routine.

what surprised me about this list was not its contents. as they are all very much true. well, except moody. really? am i? but what surprised me was that 1) this wasn't already common knowledge and 2) this knowledge was communicated by my blog

so... what else? what have you learned? how has this blog touched you personally and enriched your life? what has it inspired you to do? what has it made you wonder?

Don't want to get tied down, I guess

I think the reason it's taking me so long to move in, so long to settle in, so long to unpack, so long to feel like home is home... is because I haven't been home.

I've had this new home for 26 days now. And if I project through the end of the month, here's where I will have spent my first month "in" my new home:

Old apartment: 5 nights
NEW HOME: 4 nights
Monica's: 7 nights
NEW HOME: 1 night
Evy's house, Bellingham: 2 nights
NEW HOME: 1 night
Purce's: 1 night
NEW HOME: 3 nights
Jess & Katy's, Portland: 2 nights
NEW HOME: 5 nights

That means that, if all goes as planned, I will, for the first time, spend my fifth consecutive night at home on the last day of my first month living there.

I don't think I usually sleep around so much.
It's just been that kind of month, aparently.
No wonder I'm having trouble getting into routines. No wonder I don't yet know what to do with myself when I wake up in my new house. (Do I put the tea water on first? Check the email first? Pee first? I knew how to do all that at my old house.)

P.S. SATC lives on in my heart. Miranda and Brady (as his baby self, not his toddler self) were in my dream last night. Miranda was my friend. Awesome.

Because some people were wondering

On my mother's side, I am ¼ Austrian, 1/8 Irish, 1/32 Native American, 3/32 various Anglo (.... like Scottish, Welch, English).

Both of my mother's mother's parents are from Austria.

Kilmer is Irish and Michael Kilmer came from Ireland and married a Cherokee woman named Emily Fuller (though once it was told as different tribe and that could be true.)

On my father's side I'm mostly German.

creating home (03.25.05) Twenty five days in my new home. And finally I'm creating nice corners like this. It's feeling more like home. And that's good. Tonight I'm heading down to Portland. Just six weeks after my last visit. It's great to be seeing those gals so often. But also I'm exhausted. I'm looking forward to April and just staying home and having friends come to me instead.  

quite a day!

neither here nor there.
that's been the problem.

brown cow yogurt always gives me a stomachache. one of these days i'll remember that, and not buy it.

i went on a wonderful walk this morning with my thursday morning walking buddy.
and had a lovely biscuit (and a meal to go with it) at new moon with my thursday 12:30 lunch buddy.

and had a nice little coffee break with a friend from out of town. and got a fortune cookie which said something like, "you'll run into an old friend soon." to which i said, "great. that's a dumb fortune. i run into old friends ALL THE TIME."

and that afternoon i proceeded to run into one of my oldest friends (i remember when she potty trained, and how knowing i felt because i'd recently done the same), another friend whose birth i clearly remember when i was five, and then my sister. who i guess is an old friend.

tomorrow i want a fortune cookie that says, "all your schoolwork will effortlessly get done." and then i want that fortune to come true just as quickly.

thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you to all of my friends who have listened to me these last few days as i dip in and out of sanity and its opposite. and thanks for the good reminders you've given me to:
1. breathe
2. stay current with myself
3. sleep
4. breathe
5. trust

obsession (03.24.05) 

nice things from nice people (03.23.05) 

A Good Night's Sleep

Today's picture is about two great things that have happened to me in the month of March.

1. See that mirror? That mosiac mirror? I made that. QUITE awhile ago. It was fun to make. Kind of a mess. But fun to make. And I like it. I think it's pretty. A nice piece of art to have in my house. When I made it I was kind of on my way out of the house I was in at the time. So I don't think this great piece of art made it into that house. I just kept it in my car, knowing I'd be leaving soon. Then I moved. And it sat in a corner at that house. Then I moved. And it sat behind a shelf at that apartment. The problem is that this mirror is VERY heavy. And it didn't have any sort of hanging hardware on it. So it sat. Then I moved again. And on my moving in day, Fritz hung the mirror. Thank you Fritz.

2. I have some trouble sleeping. Read the rest of this blog for details. Yesterday Lis gave me a birthday present which she called "a good night's sleep." It included these curtains. And they're great. My room was so dark last night. I guess I'm turning into my mother.

all kinds of help (03.22.05) 

overwhelmed

When I was in Ecuador one of the first new words I learned was "sobrecargada." And I used it often. That's how that trip was for me. I was pretty darn overwhelmed the entire time.

And that's how I'm feeling right now. For the first time in my two years on this program school is really feeling like a chore. I don't want to go to class. I'm not interested in my work. It's hard to motivate myself to get stuff done. And now the semester is drawing to a close (yippeee!) and I have to finish projects, write papers, give presentations. Yuck. Estoy sobrecargada.

Despite all this - I'm pretty happy. My dear friend came to Olympia together, and I skipped work, and we played in the sun. That was good. Also, I got some new windows in the front of my house. This picture is of Jerry, the window guy, who was willing to install a curtain rod since he was here with all his tools and some free time. Thanks, Jerry.

I always think it's funny when people get nervous when they hear what kind of work I do. What are they thinking I'm going to do? Know all their secrets? And hold them accountable? As if I have time and energy to do that with strangers! Jerry and his boss both made funny faces when I told them where I work. Whatever. Then we all laughed about it.

and then Robin came over 

um... i won't even try to explain (03.21.05) 

Trying to cope

When I was a senior in high school a friend and I made up a song. It was called the "I Don't Care Song." It was sung to the tune of "Jimmy Crack Corn." And it was very versatile. It worked well to relieve stress across a variety of situations. The lyrics could be things like, "I didn't study for the physics final... and I don't care... I didn't do my Shakespeare homework... and I don't care." Etcetera.

Over the years, every now and then I'd remember the song. And send an email to that friend saying, "I'm in love with someone who doesn't know I exist... and I don't care..." and he'd write back and say, "My roommate never showers... and I don't care."

Really, it's quite the morale lifter. Try it. Sing out loud.

Lately the song popped back into my head. Here, let's give it a go. Maybe it will help.

I am sick of doing school work, and I don't care
I have to get this school work done, and I don't care
I'm supposed to be writing a bibliography and I don't care
I moved in two weeks ago and haven't unpacked yet and I don't care
(you're humming along in your head now, right?)
I sprained my ankle 10 months ago and it still isn't better, and I don't care
I consumed way too much caffeine to sleep tonight, and I don't care
I can't stand to go to work anymore, and I don't care
I'm watching a really depressing movie, and I don't care

And so on. It's a great way to let go of things that I just can't handle.

Also I know, from experience, that things will work out. I did graduate from high school, despite mine and Greg's complete loss of motivation at the end there. And I will complete these stupid, dumb, boring classes I'm in right now. I will get my work done. I'll figure out a way to enjoy my job, or I'll leave it. I'll get enough sleep, one way or another. Things will end up how they're suppposed to be.

happy spring (03.20.05) 

a street for emma, bellingham (03.19.05) 

maybe I don't need to unpack, maybe things are just fine as is (03.18.05) 

the very end 

endings

a few tears

I'm currently watching the LAST episode of Sex and the City. This show has been a good friend for the last three or four months. As shallow as it is, I'll be a little sad when it's over. I'm going ot miss these guys. But these last two episodes have really reminded me of some other people I miss. As Carrie left New York and left her best friends, I remembered the time that I left Portland and my best friends. And it's never been the same since. As Mr. Big explained to Carrie's friends - they were the loves of her life. And you, my girls, are mine.

the last lunch (dec 2002) 

First night back at home after a week of housesitting

My ankle hurts. A lot. Maybe that shot isn't the magic pill I was hoping it would be. (Lis, don't read this paragraph.) Or maybe it's just sore because I had a three foot needle in my ankle for about three hours. I don't think it was really that long of a needle or that long of an injection - but it seemed like it. And now it feels like it. It felt great for about 5 or 6 hours. GREAT. Now it hurts much more than usual. So much that I can't sleep.

Plus I'm kind of being kept awake by making up elaborate stories about having ankle surgery and then being tenderly cared for as I recover. I hope that doesn't have to happen, as nice as the tender care part seems.

Plus I hate my job. That's the other reason I'm awake. I don't like going there. On Mondays I go to my regular job, but then I also watch a friend's kids for a few hours afterwards. I love Mondays. I'm always looking forward to Mondays. Hmmm... what does that tell you? Possibly that there IS work out there in the world that I feel passionate and excited about. And it isn't what I currently call my job. So I'm awake right now because I'm dreading going to work tomorrow. It just feels pointless and boring.

And I'm excited that I saw a very dear friend today who I hadn't seen in months. Like maybe three. (That seems to be the magic number in this post. Except I'm not exaggerating here. It really has been three months.) We used to spend all kinds of time together... and now three months have past. And it made me so, so happy to see her sweet face and catch up a little bit this evening.

And I only have seven episodes left of Sex and the City.

the bug at the bottom of my meal (03.17.05) 

Five Unrelated Topics

1. I'm feeling better than I was yesterday. Wanna know what cured me? A coffee date with a classmate during which we were supposed to work hard without letting ourselves get distracted on a presentation we're going to give on cultural issues as they pertain to ethics but during which we stayed on task for about ten minutes and then ended up talking about more important things like the wedding she just attended and something I've been anxious about. And then wanna know what cured me even more? Talking on the phone for a few seconds to a good friend, preceded by leaving her a really long message. And then you know what made it even better? A little knitting party with three friends and four young children with good food and good company at which I taught some people to knit. And my four year old friend, E, told me she thinks I'm amazing. She said, "Wow, Toni can knit AND sew? I didn't know that. She's AMAZING. Toni, I'm going to call you Amazing Toni." I loved that.

2. A little update in The Search for Laura. I did a little Google search and found someone who was possibly my Laura. I emailed her and asked. She wrote this back:

Sorry...no. I went to school in Oklahoma. Thanks for trying though. I always love hearing from old friends. Hope you find her.

I love that she wrote back to me, even thought she wasn't the Real Laura.

3. Finally, finally, finally. I CANNOT BELIEVE IT TOOK THIS LONG. I'm a little upset that this didn't happen earlier.

I got a little bit of an answer about what's wrong with my ankle. For those of you who haven't been following this story since it's beginning, ten months and one day ago, I'll give you a little background. Ten months and one day ago I went for my last run. I didn't know it would be my last run. I thought it would be significant, but for a different reason. The reason being that I was running the Capital City Marathon (half marathon, actually). It was my second time running that race. And it went well. I loved it. I love running. I really had a blast running. I was quite pleased with my time. It wasn't record breaking or anything. But I'd run at an easy comfortable pace and had a great time. I was willing to take a little break after months of intense training. I anticipated not running for a week, maybe two. Well... Ten months and one day later, I haven't been for a run. Not once. Not at all. And here's why. The next day, exactly ten months ago, about 20 hours after finishing the race... I fell down the stairs. At work. ON THE JOB INJURY!! Oh no. My ankle! I heard a pop. It hurt a lot. I limped to the freezer and put some ice on it. I called my mom who brought arnica and an ace bandage. I thought I'd be fine. Not one to stray from routine, I still went to the gym that day and did a good upper body workout. I'll skip all the boring in between. (The five months of PT, which ended with the physical therapist firing me because she had no more ideas and my ankle was actually getting worse... The x-rays that showed nothing... the next set of x-rays taken months later in case the first ones missed something... the braces and wraps and sleeves that did very little... the ice and ice and ice and ice and more ice... the CAT scan which showed nothing... the agony of not running... starting to tell myself that I must be imagining this pain because nobody has been able to find anything wrong with my ankle and I know it's not AS BAD as it was at the beginning so maybe it's better... the podiatrist who I really like and have gotten to know well but who hasn't fixed it... the orthotics that actually do help, but not 100%... the fear that I'll never run again... the frustration that I can't even walk without pain... having to give up dance and yoga and biking and EVERYTHING because they all made it worse... it's been hard... really hard... for a long time... and I've been to one to three doctor's appointments EVERY SINGLE week for the last ten months... with no answers.) Okay, I guess I didn't skip the in bewteen. So, anyway, I had an MRI a couple weeks ago. And today I heard the results from my podiatrist, who I think is great. And, guess what? I have a torn ligament. (The one right above the "a" in the word "ligaments.") For ten months now I've had this torn ligament. My goodness. If only they'd found that out TEN MONTHS AGO! Well, great, here we go. A concrete problem. And she had a few ideas about solutions. And it pleased me that surgery was not until the bottom of her list - because I would really rather that didn't have to happen. But if it does, I trust her. (Lis - don't read this next part.) Today I got a cortisone injection. Which hurt A LOT. My God. Boy. That was painful. Yuck. But about 15 minutes later my ankle felt better. I got out of my car and started walking and was SHOCKED by the absence of pain. The doctor said one or two little shots might take care of this problem completely. Wow. Oh wow. I can't imagine how wonderful life would be.

4. You know what really bothers me? People who loudly ask personal questions in public. That just happened to me. And it happened last time I ran into this woman. And a friend told me that it's happened to her when she's run into this woman in public. What makes people do that? What makes her think that it's okay for her to broadcast my life throughout the coffee shop? Why doesn't she sensitively NOT BRING UP topics that I might not want strangers to hear about?

5. I am almost (six more weeks) done with my second year of my Masters in Counseling. What I have left is two electives and two semesters of internship. And before I begin my internship (so that means now) I must apply for Degree Candidate Status. I've completed my requisite ten sessions of therapy and turned in validation from my therapist. I've gotten a letter of recommendation from a student ahead of me in the program. And now I just have to write a little essay. The requirements are below.

Complete a four to five hundred word essay (approx. two to three pages) answering the following questions:
On what basis do you consider yourself ready for Degree Candidacy Status?
What do you consider your most significant academic learning experiences in the MAC Program to this point?
What do you consider your most significant personal learning experiences?
How was the experience of completing 10 sessions of personal therapy? What did you learn? How did you grow? (There are no implicit or explicit expectations that you present any issues of an emotional or psychological nature that you dealt with during the therapy experience; don't include anything you aren't comfortable disclosing!)
What are the most important tasks left to accomplish for the remainder of your work in the MAC Program? How do you intend to accomplish them? What could stand in your way and how will you overcome these obstacles?

And I guess I'm just a little burnt out. I've been totally jazzed about this program for nearly two years. But I'm low on steam right now. So, here's my assignment, dear friends. Any tips? Inspiration? Anyone want to write it for me?? (Bif?) (Just kidding.) (Mostly.) I mean, it's not a big deal. I know I'll be accepted. I just have to make myself write it. And it's pretty much at the bottom of my PUT IT OFF list right now.

Things I'm Putting Off:
1. Unpacking and moving into my new home
2. Finding a new job
3. Securing an internship for the fall
4. Researching and writing a paper on five treatment modalities for autism
5. preparing to give a presentation on ethical issues around cultural issues in counseling
6. calling Comcast and making sure they remove that charge for the "premium install" that I didn't request and didn't have
7. degree candidate essay

unmotivated (03.16.05) 

help

As you can see from yesterday's Picture of the Day... I haven't unpacked yet. I have unpacked some. But not completely. My clothes are on the floor. Because that's where they go. Because I haven't decided that they go somewhere else.

Any motivational tips?

getting inspired

I had it all composed as I lay in bed this morning. It was witty and ironic, yet poignant. It had a surprise ending. I was all ready to write about it as I got out of bed. Here I am, 6:07 am, bowl of cereal, laptop ready… and I decided it’s a story perhaps not best suited for blogging. So I’ll keep it in my head. And write about nothing instead.

The good news is that it was there. That it came of its own accord. Because I’ve been worried about that. Usually that’s how it is. Stories writing themselves in my head. Sometimes they want to be born as letters, emails, journaling. The problem is that lately there’s been nothing.

So, I’m ready to write again. I hope. We’ll see what happens.

small talk about weather

It’s rainy and briefly sunny and a little bit haily today. And it’s hard. To deal with. I’ve really gotten accustomed to this beautiful, sunny, hot weather of late.

Today all I want to do is curl up in bed, with a heavy down comforter, and watch a pointless movie. One that won’t make me laugh too hard (I don’t really want to give up this melancholy), won’t make me cry (I feel kind of close to some edge and don’t want to be pushed over), and won’t cause me to question my life or rethink any major decisions. I guess I just want to be distracted. And warm.

There’s this choice – over and over, throughout all day of every day – to stay with what’s familiar, or to risk growth. And today I feel a little too fragile to make that assessment.

It’s 3:56pm and still nothing has inspired me to take my Picture of the Day. It’s that kind of day.

Finding Laura

Okay. I usually take steps to protect the privacy of those I talk about in my blog. Like not using real names.

But if I'm trying to find someone, I can't really keep it a secret, can I? It's likely that one of you will have some bit of knowledge to help me in my quest to find Laura. (see "The People We Meet," 3/14/05.)

So, here's what I know:
1. She graduated from Capital High School in 1992.
2. Her name (at least then) is/was Laura White.
3. Her birthday is April 16, 1974.
4. Her parents are named William and Mary.
5. She graduated from The Evergreen State College in 1996 (this fact I just learned this morning thanks to some Google researching.)

Any tips will be appreciated. No questions asked.

um. empty receptacles. (the final evidence) 

a viable option? I'm not sure. (03.15.05) 

well, that's a little odd (evidence 1) 

Sometimes I just have to trust...

... that even if something doesn't make much sense to me, it probably does to someone else. This morning I noticed some dirt in the hall at work. Potting soil. Okay, fine. Not really typical, but not cause of alarm. What really struck me as odd, and the picture which is today's offical Picture of the Day, was the plant in the salad bowl. I just had to ask myself, "How is that going to work out?" I'm not sure. Someone apparently thought it would. And then, later, in another room, I noticed a large, empty pot. Hmm. One can only speculate, but not really know for sure. What happened?

sisters (03.14.05